ZAPNotes

Poster Review: Friends with Kids

2012-01-31T17:18:00.001-08:00

Nicely kerned and leaded title on this. The first tagline makes sense, but why is there a second tagline in a different font? Odd choice.

The eyelines and planes of existence at the bottom would require some serious quantum computing to explain what's going on.

And now the Poster Review Players:

Maya Rudolph: You mean this isn't Bridesmaids 2?

Chris O'Dowd: Hey baby, you want to hear my stories from The IT Crowd? I've got an accent!

Kristen Wiiiiiiiiiig: I amso smmaaaaaashed!!!!!

John Hamm: I don't know who that blonde is, but I'm totally going to hit it.

Adam Scott: How did I get first billing?

Jennifer Westfeldt: How did I make the poster?

Megan Fox and Ed Burns: Seriously.

Methinks disinterested barista needs to get her hearing checked.

2012-01-25T09:18:00.001-08:00

At Milk.

2012-01-13T22:06:00.001-08:00

I'll have 3. What about you?

2011-12-31T17:51:00.001-08:00

Christmas Dinner Part Two: The Empire Strikes Fat

2011-12-25T19:39:00.001-08:00

Do you know what the golden stripe on top is? That is the side benefit to cooking a goose: a quart of goose fat! I shouldn't have to explain to you why this is awesome.

This goose hasn't been handled as much as Lindsay Lohan, but it's close.

Stock. Guess what you wind up with here? Stock. And more fat!

I have never seen fat separate this well. This is unfiltered, and this isn't cloudy, either.

First trip into the oven.

Look at that. Such vibrancy.

And then someone had to break out the oil. Apparently we're in the studio with Prince, recording the Batman soundtrack.

Post second trip in the oven. Breast down and covered to start, up and bare to finish. Just like the beach in San Tropez.

Gravy roux. Roux may be my favorite word ever.

Goose fat: It's like 12 days of Christmas.

Group photo. It was awesome. Merry Christmas!

Christmas Dinner, Part One: The Fellowship of the Mise En Place

2011-12-25T15:36:00.001-08:00

Holidays at home generally mean cooking something big, something a little outside the norm. This year, the notch has been stepped up.

The Players:

If you're going to have vegetables involved, they should be good ones. These are.

Bread and bacon. Food groups: covered.

Bacon: about to do what it does best.

Put this with the bacon, and you'd have yourself a nice side dish. But that's not enough for today.

Magic happening.

This is probably too hot for the kids to see.

Look at all that goodness. I see apples, wild rice, chestnuts? Yes.

What's all this for?

Time for the big reveal:

Oh yes. We went there.

To be continued…

Poster Review: Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

2011-12-22T09:49:00.001-08:00

What is this movie about? Good luck discerning anything from this poster. From the title, it's probably a concert film. From the look on the kid's face, it may be about an eating disorder. Nothing about this makes me want to find out.

One of the reasons this is such a disconserting image is because the hands are miserably Photoshopped over the kid's face. Go to a mirror, and try and replicate this. You can't, and it's not because you have bigger or smaller hands, or don't feel like throwing up at this moment. It's because it's an impossible pose. The hands are essentially floating over the plane the face is on, and the shadows are just miserable, the scale is wrong. It's surprising that this got approved, considering the pedigree of the film.

Poster Review: Contraband

2011-12-13T09:58:00.001-08:00

Duct tape usage #18763: Can be used as a terrible framing device for color-pallet-confused movie posters.

Poster Review: The Dark Knight Rises

2011-12-10T18:04:00.001-08:00

Phenomenal, although the edge on Bane's left side doesn't feel like it matches with his focus. A bit too cut-out.

Poster Review: American Reunion

2011-12-08T21:33:00.001-08:00

Mena Suvari: I can't believe we're just re-doing the original movie's poster layout. This is so embarrassing.

Sean William Scott: DUUUUUUDE! That joke is even funnier than it was 12 years ago, brah!

Eddie Kay Thomas: I haven't said anything, Sean, I'm scoping out that P.A. off-poster.

Chris Klein: I can't believe Jason's ass looks that good in a suit. Dayum!

Thomas Ian Nicholas: This means we're gonna keep doing these, right? This franchise is my only gig that isn't always straight-to-DVD. Guys? Please?

Jason Biggs (to camera): Don't you wish you knew what I'm doing with my hands right now?

More thoughts about this one:

1. Everyone loves gravity-defying pie.

2. I'm a little surprised Natasha Lyonne is even alive.

3. I'm even more surprised to discover that she's now Jason Biggs conjoined-twin sister.

Poster Review: Ceremony

2011-11-29T13:35:00.001-08:00

Dude on the Left (DL): That's, um, a lot of light bloom.

Dude on the Right (DR): Hadn't noticed, I'm totally checking out that hot guy on the other side of the bad head strip.

DL: You're looking outside the poster? That's so breaking the fourth wall.

DR: Huh?

DL: So I suppose you don't see that half-assed title treatment?

DR: What? Is that his name?

DL: This is the last poster I share with you.

DR: Do you have his number?

Poster Review: The Avengers

2011-11-17T12:30:00.001-08:00

Seriously?

Didn't we go through this before?

So Loki is in the Avengers now? Nick Fury is an Avenger? Is anyone even trying over there?

Have an insanely great Halloween!

2011-10-31T17:56:00.001-07:00

Richard Stallman' speaking rider

2011-10-27T11:00:00.001-07:00

Richard Stallman's rider for speaking engagements.

Bus and train tickets:

If you buy bus or train tickets for me, do not give my name! Big

Brother has no right to know where I travel, or where you travel, or

where anyone travels. If they arbitrarily demand a name, give a name

that does not belong to any person you know of. If they will check my

ID before I board the bus or train, then let's look for another way

for me to travel. (In the US I never use long-distance trains because

of their ID policy.)

Why anyone at this point would hire him to come speak is kind of odd, but the rider is full of unintentional hilarity.

Equally hilarious is this follow up by Glenn Fleishman.

It's not even Halloween. W. T. F.

2011-10-27T08:37:00.001-07:00

Un-See

2011-09-01T14:59:00.001-07:00

See the full gallery on Posterous

I'm not sure which is more amazing. The Photoshopping in these pictures, or the fact that they are allegedly by Annie Leibovitz?

They also make you wonder if "talent" approval of shots is still a thing.

Somebody stop George

2011-08-30T17:57:00.001-07:00

Things I'm OK With:

Fixing shoddy light saber effects.

Fixing the puppeteer's Wampa arm.

Removing visible matt lines from around TIE Fighters.

Increasing contrast on rear-projection and blue screen effects shots.

Things I'm NOT OK With:

Greedo shooting first.

Any added "restored" shots (I'm looking at you, Jabba Jr.)

Any added CGI.

Any NEW shots.

Hayden Christiansen.

This:

Clear?

Poster Review: Machine Gun Preacher

2011-08-16T14:48:00.001-07:00

The little boy isn't holding Butler's hand, so just WHERE IS HIS HAND GOING?

Good job on making the two of them appear to be lit from a similar light source. A pity that the background is lit from the opposite direction.

(Image from I Watch Stuff)

Poster Review: We Need To Talk About Kevin

2011-08-11T16:48:00.001-07:00

Hells yes.

OK, it's not perfect. Tilda's dressing gown could be better resolved at the bottom, and the blown out look on the guy's face would be better if it wasn't so clearly a Photoshop contrast push. And the title treatment is a bit awkward with the 't' not aligning with the side of the 'N'. But I love the vibe, the color and the type layout. Excellent reference to the aesthetic of Rosemary's Baby.

More old-school posters like this, please.

(Images from IMPAwards.com)

Poster Review: And They're Off

2011-08-11T13:56:00.001-07:00

Don't look at this one. Please. The bad Photoshopping in it may make you blind.

Just don't.

...

/sigh

OK, but I warned you:

Have your retinas refocused? No? Well, you can always do text-to-speech on this one if you're on a Mac, don't know about Windows users.

What is cool about this one is that it proves that Sean Astin exists in another dimension from ours, appearing to us according to his will, not our laws of physics. It really is remarkable.

What's that? You don't believe me? Well then, you explain how it is that Sean is lit by a different source from Ms. Oteri and her horse? Or how he is standing a good yard in front of the horse, while still managing to jam his should up the poor equine's butt, without resorting to Reed Richards-like stretching action? It's not possible. He's like a time lord or something.

Bonus points for the straight apostrophe in the title. And the almost-red 'O'.

So many things off about this one.

(Image from ComingSoon.net)

Poster Review: The Raven

2011-07-25T23:07:00.001-07:00

Two things about this one:
1. It is mostly really good, except for the inconsistent ink/blood spills at the bottom.
2. I'm so glad that Johnny Depp isn't doing this one. Reached my limit on Depp in Victorian clothing.

Poster Review: The Dark Knight Rises

2011-07-11T21:03:00.001-07:00

Beautiful design, straight up. I do wish there was just a tad more color in it, and they could have done without the "In theaters" line and the URL, but this is a stunning start to the marketing.

Chromebook and Google's Arrogance

2011-05-16T21:02:00.001-07:00

Michael Mace of MobileOpportunity has a thoughtful blog post on the Chromebook vs. Windows.

He's not a fan of Google Docs as a complete replacement for Word (or any other native word processor):

"Since Google does not seem to be focused on fixing Docs, it's theoretically possible that some other app developer could create an online replacement for Office that really works, and offer it on Chromebooks. But who would want to invest in that area when Google Docs is there as a competitor? Docs is just good enough to hinder innovation, but not good enough to take out Office."

Then again, I'm not sure anyone outside of the Free Software as Religion crowd is a giant fan of Google Docs.

"Besides, Google did a couple of sessions at IO comparing web app development to native app development. They all concluded that web app development was better for content-playing applications, and that for productivity apps you need native software. And native software is exactly what Chromebooks won't run."

This is key. Google, for all its size and it's many areas of strength, lacks for focus and follow-through. The Chromebook is a neat idea, until you actually confront what using one full-time would be like.

The next level of computing is making the experience simpler for users, not offering up lesser alternatives with more complications.

Poster review: Tintin

2011-05-16T15:50:00.001-07:00

A nearly perfect poster. Color palette, layout, oh-so-gorgeous rendering on the title. My only complaint is that the billing block type feels too horsey.

Our hero is obscured enough that it's too early to tell if this look is going to drown in the uncanny valley along with The Polar Express, but for now it looks like it may be right on.

Snowy has been knocked out of the damn park, no matter what the people end up looking like.

SWTF?

2011-05-16T09:24:00.001-07:00

Look, I've seen the originals. I've even (unfortunately) sat through all the prequels in a paid seat in the theatre.

This painting doesn't make any sense. At least, not without an explanation, and that's kind of not the point with illustrations.

But kudos upon kudos for going with an actual honest-to-god illustration on a major live-action home release.

Poster Review: More First Class

2011-05-05T13:41:00.001-07:00

This one is marginally better than the last one. The tilted horizon doesn't bug as much. But Sebastian Shaw (Kevin Bacon) seems to have a very bad case of restless leg syndrome. Or he's really hurrying to make it into the shot.

And whatever you do, don't really look at what's going on with the angles on everyone else's feet and legs. Or you will go mad.

Poster Review: X-Men: First Class

2011-04-19T14:03:00.001-07:00

I realize I'm piling on at this point, but today this was unveiled:

Apparently the moment that changed the world is the introduction of Photoshop, allowing legions of under-qualitified designers to perform un-licensed head strips. This is truly a horrifying concept, and we must send a Terminator back in time to terminate George Lucas before he founded ILM, thereby stopping Photoshop before it could be created, saving legions of illustrator's jobs and making the world a little prettier.

Also, X-Men 2 did this concept (if you can call it that), much, much better:

This is the latest in a long line of epic fail posters for this film:

If you told me these were fan-created, I would believe you. If you told me they were official, I might have a breakdown. Please don't do that to me.

These are sort of colorful, and don't feature blatant Photoshop disasters, but are fairly underwhelming, especially the taglines.

It's kind of sad that the logo poster is the least offensive one for a picture of this size. Actually, this one isn't offensive, the metal rendering is quite nice.

Zachary Pennington

asher@mac.com

aim: zcpn

http://twitter.com/zachpennington

skype: zacharyasherpennington

The information in this email is confidential and may be legally privileged. It is intended solely for the addressee. Access to this email by anyone else is unauthorized. If you are not the intended recipient, any disclosure, copying, distribution or any action taken or omitted to be taken in reliance on it, is prohibited and may be unlawful. If you believe that you have received this email in error, please contact the sender or your nearest friendly giant-alien-spider hunter.

See the full gallery on Posterous

Poster Review: X-Men: First Class

2011-04-19T13:57:00.001-07:00

I realize I'm piling on at this point, but today this was unveiled:

Also, X-Men 2 did this concept (if you can call it that), much, much better:

This is the latest in a long line of epic fail posters for this film:

If you told me these were fan-created, I would believe you. If you told me they were official, I might have a breakdown. Please don't do that to me.

These are sort of colorful, and don't feature blatant Photoshop disasters, but are fairly underwhelming, especially the taglines.

It's kind of sad that the logo poster is the least offensive one for a picture of this size. Actually, this one isn't offensive, the metal rendering is quite nice.

See the full gallery on Posterous

Lion Air

2011-02-24T17:26:00.001-08:00

No, it's not a new airline. It's the new Lion OS.

Lots of subtle changes. Nothing earth-shattering and in-your-face at first glance.

Launchpad is a nice way to view your app list, but I don't quite get it's existence in the Dock. That said, I would love to be able to have folders in my Dock, since on my main Macs, I have about 48 apps in the Dock.

Using multitouch gestures on the trackpad to swap between applications and workspaces is very awesome, though.

Can't play with AirDrop yet, as I don't have multiple Macs that I can put Lion on just yet. I wonder if it's going to be a DropBox replacement.

More later.

Movie Poster Review: Just Go With It

2011-02-15T14:25:00.001-08:00

This one courtesy of the wife:

"Why are they playing wishbone with that girl?"

Logic Applied: Apple's In App Purchase

2011-02-01T16:07:00.001-08:00

Sony kicked off quite a storm yesterday by going public with their difficulties getting their iOS book reader app approved by Apple. The collective gadget/tech internet has exploded, with a lot of writers going to the old saw of Apple being a greedy/restrictionist bully. A little patience is probably in order.

Here next are probably the most pertinent items from Apple's App Store Review Guidelines, let's look at them logically.

11.2 Apps utilizing a system other than the In App Purchase API (IAP) to purchase content, functionality, or services in an app will be rejected

A lot of people look at 11.2 and are coming to the incorrect conclusion that the Kindle and Nook iOS apps violate this an may be rejected on their next update. This is totally inaccurate. Both apps do not allow any purchase to happen IN THE APP. Hell, neither of them even allow you to find a book to buy within the app, kicking you out instead to Safari to use their site for browsing and buying. The Kobo app does allow in-app browsing of their catalog, but the purchase is handled completely outside of the app, via Safari. Some might argue that their system violates 11.2, but I would not, because:

11.3 Apps using IAP to purchase physical goods or goods and services used outside of the application will be rejected

If we all agree that the second "goods" in this line includes digital goods, this situation makes a lot more sense.

Kindle, Nook and Kobo all use the iOS raw file system. Books that get downloaded into the app are readily available to the user to remove and take somewhere else. This puts each of these apps under 11.3. Because the good that is purchased is a portable file (can be used outside of the app), they cannot use the In App Purchase API, even if they wanted to.

Sony's rejection makes even more sense if this comment by Zelannii (currently on page 1, but likely to be pushed to page 2 soon) on Engadget's article is accurate:

The kindle app (and nook app) was changed already to use the raw file system, and books are pulled in from a web page, and you have to buy them on the web page (not in-app). Its a file download. Sony tried to use in-app features to buy books, bypassing child protections apple has in place preventing kids from using your account without entering a password first, but also not replacing that with SSL based purchase security on a web site. Also, Sony is also downloading the content inside the app's own storage, not as raw files, making the impossible to sync back and forth to a PC or other devices, and also violating the in-app updating content from 3rd party sources rules.

Sony simply needs to make simple changes: use the file system, allow book migration between devices, and stop using a directly connected 3rd party payment system. If they do as Amazon and BnK anlready do, it will get approved, and apple still gets $0 from each book sale.

This has nothing to do with content blocking or apple demanding 30%, this has to do with use of features that are potential security risks that ALL apps have to be banned from using consistently. This is not some vague rule Sony accidentally tripped over, its a VERY clear condition, mentioned multiple times in the dev agreement in crystal clear print.

If Sony's app wasn't using the raw file system, then from Apple's point of view, the content in question (the book) is exclusive to the app. This, plus the fact that they were allegedly circumventing the In App Purchase API to do an in-app purchase (i.e. not leaving the app), explains very clearly the rejection. I don't see this as a case of Apple tightening up their rules or choosing to newly enforce something that they may have been lax on in the past. Sony's app is in violation of the rules, as they are written today.

However, if Apple is tightening up their enforcement, then what will be interesting is if they force Comixology to change their apps. Currently, all the Comixology apps (which includes Marvel, DC and Image's comic apps) use the In App Purchase API, but they also make the content available outside of the app, via the web (they do not use the raw file system). As I read 11.3, that's a no-no.

Poster Review: Drive Angry (Man with Two Heads)

2011-01-21T09:56:00.001-08:00

Floating heads are OK. Floating heads with clear separation would be better.

Poster Review: The Dilemma

2011-01-20T10:43:00.001-08:00

Nothing especially remarkable or ground-breaking about this one. Apparently having Vince Vaughn, Kevin James, and "A New Comedy From Ron Howard" has been deemed enough information to determine that this is a comedy. What's it about? Well, it's a dilemma! Vaughn! James! Bringing the funny! Don't you get it? It's going to be FUNNY!

The positioning of the title indicates that there's something that's come between these two funny men. The "The" in the title is a little bit designed, with how it breaks the line of Vaughn's shoulder, but is otherwise unremarkable. At least it's not Gill Sans or Futura Extra Bold (comedy poster staples).

All in all, very unremarkable. What's awesome about this, though, is that the studio approved an illustrated poster for a live action comedy. Bravo!

Former Demonhunter turns Creative Director?

2011-01-14T14:22:00.001-08:00

For a guy without eyes, Illidan Stormrage has turned in a damn fine movie poster here:

Foreshortening Disasters, Part 1

2010-12-22T16:48:00.001-08:00

OK, maybe the foreground hand isn't totally wrong, but what the hell is going on with his other arm? And his midsection? This looks like at least 5 different photos were used, which, if you're counting, is generally 3 too many.

On the bright side, at least it's not comedy white, nor Futura XB.

More Google case issues

2010-12-08T23:33:00.001-08:00

This was an ad I noticed in an App I use to manage game mods. Why is 'Around' in title case, but not 'fast'? Does anyone at Google look at these things before they go out?

Google's case pRoblem

2010-12-08T14:54:00.001-08:00

Why is Google slavishly all-lowercase with their blue page titles? It's one thing to eschew the Title Case, but there's no reason not to intercap a word, especially, when, I dunno, you've got it right next to the proper usage.

Google apparently has no art directors, but I had no idea that they don't have editors either.

Since they've arguably failed on the 'evil' part of their mission statement, how about 'don't be ugly' as a compromise?

If Imitation is the Sincerest Form of Flattery…

2010-10-28T09:19:00.001-07:00

…then consider me somewhat flattered:

Gulliver's Travels poster, circa 2010

Envy home entertainment key art, circa 2004

The Return of the Amp

2010-09-22T11:53:00.001-07:00

This is supposed to sound great, but it looks so awesome I may not care. Can't wait to get this in the amp and be playing with two speakers again.

It's Not You, it's the Other Guy (But it Could be You!)

2010-09-22T09:15:00.001-07:00

Political parties that move in and out of power forget one basic core truth. We didn't vote for you because we liked you and wanted to give you run of the place. Rather, we really, really didn't like what the other guy was doing with it.

Hot Air

2008-01-15T14:56:00.000-08:00

Jeez, you'd think that Apple had just introduced an aluminum apple crate as their new product while simultaneously announcing that they're going to convert all their stores to pie bakeries, judging by the reactions on tech boards and the stock price.

Calm down, people. The Mac Book Air is not for everyone. Apple is not going out of business, nor are they shooting themselves in the foot.

Today they came out with a lightweight notebook and some great upgrades to the Apple TV, the iPhone and a nifty new backup solution/wireless router. Personally, we'd take one of each, please.

The MBA is not for everyone. It's not a gaming box. It's not a high-end graphics box. It's a very light, very stylish notebook that will work very well for professionals that already have a desktop machine.

The hopeful part of this (at least, as far as our IRA is concerned) is that there was similar reaction to the iPod.

Um, yeah

2007-10-01T14:01:00.000-07:00

This will end well.

Shouldn't there be a fund set up for the children of douchebag celebrity parents? Someplace nice and quiet in the country where they could grow up and be normal?

Edit: link above was about one or the other of the Spears kids/pregnancies. Yahoo got so sick of the story that the link broke and it was so long ago we cannot even remember exactly what it was about, so we can't go find a similar linky for you.

The moral of the story is gossip about celebrities is ultimately depressing. We wish it not upon anyone.

Self-promotion Tuesday

2007-01-30T07:22:00.000-08:00

Sunshine

2007-01-18T12:03:00.000-08:00

Because I can!

Embed This Video | Visit Fox Searchlight

Cowboys & Aliens Teaser Trailer

2006-09-18T17:52:00.000-07:00

It's the old west, cowboys versus indians. Then the aliens crash-land right in the middle. And it's not cowboy versus indian anymore, it's man versus alien in a desperate fight for survival.

It must be self-promotion Monday around here and nobody told me til' the end!

Anyhoo—I'm very much responsible for the 60 seconds of goodness that you see above these words. Editing, art directing, three-dee-ing, fluffing, etc. Last week was lots of fun. Doing the trailer and the site in a very short time. I'd tell you how short a time, but then the big boss people are going to expect things even faster than your not-so-slow hero can do without hurting himself.

Enjoy and share.

the secret life of Bill Simmons

2006-08-02T11:28:00.000-07:00

Totally excellent column for some reason rejected by page 2 editors. Thanks, chisports!

The Sports Guy Goes to an Auction

So I'm sitting there the other day watching ESPN2 and I see that Reggie Jackson had a great game. There is nobody, with the possible exception of Kevin Kennedy, that I dislike more than Reggie Jackson. In the pantheon of people that 'Make the Sports Guy Insane,' these two are neck and neck.

The phone rings. It's my friend Bish. Score! Bish is always willing to discuss our mutual distaste for Reggie Jackson. Don't get me wrong--we respect his abilities. But he's the the animated Sports Guy of sports. Totally annoying, yet on TV all the time. Bish mentions that it would be nice if Reggie Jackson caught a case of chlamydia at the beginning of September, paving the way for the Red Sox to the playoffs like on Viagara.

Bish points out that the chances that Reggie Jackson will come down with chlamydia in September are minimal, but that if we expanded the possibilities, there would be a greater chance for debilitating success. As usual, Bish is a crazy genius.

Here is what we came up with:

4. Reggie Jackson receives a vicious piledriver from Sam Malone in front of 40,000 fans jammed into Cheers.

(On a side note, has there ever been a greater moment in sports than when when the Hulkster totally didn't body slam Andre the Giant? I don't even care if it was fake, that was Jeter-esque.)

3. Reggie Jackson is informed by his wife that their child was not fathered by him but rather by either Jonathon Papelbon or Theo Epstien.

2. Reggie Jackson hangs a poster of Brandon Walsh in his locker and is immediately put on the DL.

1. Reggie Jackson meets Clay from The Apprentice, falls in love, and leaves team to begin filming 'My Fair Yankee.'

After we finish with the conversation about Reggie Jackson we turn ourselves to the real topic of conversation, the upcoming draft of the Melissa Stark is Sexy Memorial Baseball Association, a new fantasy league that Bish and I will be joining this year.

Ordinarily, I'm never an advocate of partnering up to own a fantasy baseball team. That's like getting picked up by Stephi Graf and going back to her place, only to find out that Sports Guy is already there. If the best you get is to share, sometimes it's not worth it at all, right?

However, this league only had one slot open, so Bish and I agreed to partner up, in the hope that one of us could switch over and manage the next vacancy. After much debate, and eliminating the excellent possibilities of 'Candy Land with g-strings' and 'Big Papi's Shiny hookers, blow and Dennis Rodmans as potential team names, we settle on 'Palm Springers.'

The thing that-s exciting about this league is that it-s an auction format league, which is totally different than a draft league. I mean, it seems as though it would be the same as a draft league, but it's not. It's like the difference between NHL 93 and NHL 94-you take out fighting and add one-timers, you've got a whole different game, even if they are both hockey.

Pre-Auction preparation is important. First, it is important to choose where the league will be having the auction. Many times people will choose to have their auction in a Palm Springs. This is a bad idea. Nothing good can come of this; at the end of the day every person in the room is going to be grumpy and have an extremely sore neck after four hours.

No, the auction must be held in someone-s house-biggest furnished basement wins. The coolness of the wife/significant other can be a deciding factor if two people have similar options-say, if owner A has a Kid Icarus arcade game, but owner B has a case of Schlitz. Nothing will kill a fun evening faster than the host's wife emasculating him with a '"no, nothing's wrong. I'm not upset. At. All.".' We have selected next Tuesday night, at 8 pm, at a guy's house where his wife will be in Palm Springs, and therefore unable to disrupt the festivities.

I will not be sharing with you my player ratings for this coming season-after all, Jesus doesn't play poker with the hand face up-but I will give you some insight into my auction strategy. The thing is, an auction has so much more of an influence on your season than a draft does. In an auction, every player in the league is at your disposal. Everyone starts out equal. It's the Libertarianism of fantasy sports.

It's also like a doing Paris Hilton. It requires endurance, it requires stamina, it requires concentration and planning. Without further ado, here is my 'Sports Guy Auction Strategy Guide':

Round One-Dance and Jab

Once the auction starts, timing and strategy are much more important than they are in a traditional draft. The first hour or so of the auction has to be spent feeling out your opponents. Are they particularly loyal to the New York Mets? Do they have a tendency toward writing columns for Page 2? You are looking for weaknesses that you can exploit later on. Store these like hickeys

Here is a good place to test people by chucking out a few names of guys you-d never want on your team-aging, oft-injured players, like Nomah, or over-hyped rookies that will never pan out like Curt Schilling.

Everyone is going to get some good players at this point, so make sure you don-t overpay and find yourself begging for money like Turtle asking for Vinny Chase's AMEX Black.

Round Two-Have a Sense of History

In round two, there will be one moment that defines your draft. Things will be going along smoothly, and all of a sudden you'll get involved in a bidding war on a player. It's not unlike a big pot in a no-limit hold-em tournament-you'll have your Tom Brady-Tom Cruise in All the Right Moves moment, and you need to decide what to do.

Oftentimes, this will come down to a single dollar, here or there-if you bid $0.25 for Pedro Martinez, you know you'll get him, but you're facing a bid with the clock ticking. Are you going to be a hero, carried off the field like Aaron Boone? Or are you Bill Billicheck, skulking off the field into the jeering history of your team's fans, with only your family still willing to speak with you. Now is your moment. Set the tone.

Round Three-Moving Day

Hour three of the draft is moving day, like the third day of a golf tournament. You need to shoot a 69. This is where you'll fill out a lot of the players that, while less hairy, make up the core of your team. Do not discount the importance of moving day. If you wait until the next phase to build the core of your team, you'll find yourself as lonely as the Sports Girl in a GLAAD service.

Moving day is the time to make things happen for your team. This is where you are going to define the season that you have. If you end up moving day by taking an accurate mix of future stars, injury-risk players, and Pokey Reese, you'll be okay.

Round Four-The Game of Trivial Pursuit

By the end of the fantasy auction, the endeavor has become excruciating. The only thing it can be compared to is a game of Trivial Pursuit, played among friends. Something that, at the beginning of the endeavor, seemed like such fun, but by the end of it, is just a group of people banging their heads against the wall, adamantly trying to finish what they started, the joy of competing against your friends replaced with a desire to prove that you are more manly and that is that.

In this phase of the auction, you must be careful. This is the '"I gotta admit, it turned me on"' moment of the draft. People will be exploding like my balls, screaming incomprehensible things like the Sports Guy and threatening to storm out of the room if they do not get their way.

Just bite your lip, set your jaw, and try and endure. It's a long season coming forward.

'"You complete me"'

Our existence has been validated.

2006-06-26T11:31:00.000-07:00

Our version of why Joe Morgan was called away for a phone call has made it onto FireJoeMorgan. Like Ryan after his hole-in-one, we are contemplating giving up this internet thing altogether. How can we top this?

Grassroots promo, yo

2006-06-14T14:33:00.000-07:00

I did one of those Photoshop parody thingies for the mooneybooster and he thought highly enough of said "art" to put it on his that thar web site. Go for the art, stay for the amusing ravings of a die-hard Cubs fan. He's old-school.

I'm Back

2006-06-09T12:08:00.000-07:00

And I must apologize...

For this:

And this:

And this (but more for the first two):

I tried, I really did. I tried to make them better. Tried to capture the essence of the original illustrations. (and I defy anyone to tell me that the poster images for IV and V are the ones that pop to mind when you think back. The photo versions we did of this and this were better. Much better.

"Hey kids! When you buy them, you get the original poster art..."

...on the back.

Well, at least they're better than the last ones. Not that that justifies anything. It's hard to work on a project you love when the people who control it now view it just as a cash cow to trot out and re-fill the coffers whenever they feel like. And no, I'm not exaggerating. Do you know why there hasn't been a balls-out, must-have collector's version of any of these? In a time when even fucking Showgirls gets the super-boxed set treatment??

Because they know that it will sell anyway and refuse to do any more than the bare minimum. You have to kind of admire that kind of hubris don't you?

So, you do what you can. You don't this 5 times before, but you try to make it the best. Try to make it something that you yourself might actually pick up. And then they tear it apart and distill it down to something almost but not entirely unlike the original spirit of these films.

This release should have been done in 3 different covers, at the very least. Instead, we had to do something that was for the fans, for moms and for people that remembered seeing the originals in '77, '80 & '83. I'm not kidding. I think what we wound up with pleased almost no one. Better than the last ones, though.

But I had no power to avert this tragedy. I give up. No mas. It is obvious now that GL hates those of us that love the originals and cares only about making more money. Well, fine. Fuck you, too. At least I have the new Blade Runner releases to look forward to.

I'd make a joke about the creator becoming the Empire, but I don't have it in me anymore.

The greatest beer story ever.

2006-05-19T10:20:00.000-07:00

No. Words.

"The Unicron says..."

2006-04-21T14:50:00.000-07:00

The eyes of the 18" Transformers toy sitting on the small IKEA table in my office have started glowing on their own. I don't think they're supposed to do that... Could it be that he's displeased with the direction the movie is taking? He's not a Shia LeBouf fan?

Or maybe I'm in a Volkswagon commercial.

Time will tell...

It's alive

2006-04-18T16:03:00.000-07:00

Well, that was anti-climactic.

Installing XP on the JAD iMac was a very smooth process. Of course, Boot Camp is from Apple, so why would we expect anything else? But it's not like this is an emulator or something: the hardware inside the current gen of Macs is essentially the same as that of the other Windows/UNIX/Linux-running computers in the world.

But it's nice to know that I have one computer on the desk that can now run virtually 100% of the software on this planet. The other boxes out there cannot say that.

[does spit-take]

2006-04-05T10:05:00.000-07:00

I'm not really sure what the theme of this blog is at this point, but it's mine, so suffer a Mac post.

The impossible has happened. Apple has made it easy to install Windows on an Intel iMac or MacBookPro. I can't think of an emoticon that would accurately show my level of surprise at this. I think this means that I have to run out and buy XP, just to do it. Gaaaahaak!

...

(out of words)

More ESPN-bashing

2006-03-23T16:34:00.000-08:00

As much as our ambivalence about the WWL has grown, we have always loathed ESPN morning guy Colin Cowherd. There is bad radio and then there's Cowherd. He replaced orange man Tony Kornheiser a few years ago. He got the slot about a year or two after TK actually left. In the intervening time, ESPN and the affiliates just ran a repeat of Mike & Mike (or as the wife calls them, the Soutern Baptist preachers) in the time slot.

Listening to Cowherd actually lowers your intelligence. He is not funny nor is he insightful. He is also deathly afraid of people who disagree with him or offer new thoughts. He is the sports talk radio equivalent of the flat earth society. If he doesn't understand you, he makes fun of you and insults you for being a crackpot. After about 5 minutes of Cowherd we find Jim Rome to be tolerable. This kind of badness is almost worth admiring. That is, if experiencing it didn't make you want to rip out your cochlears with a santoku knife.

He is also, apparently, an unrepentant plagiarist. Color us very much unsurprised.

ESPN: brought to you by _______

2006-03-20T14:10:00.000-08:00

Very sharp observation on ESPN by the cats at Deadspin:

We were just at the ESPN Zone at Downtown Disney this weekend. Played some games and watched a little March Madness. (Top speed on the pitching machine was an embarrassing 58mph. We demand a recount.)

Anyhoo, being at the worldwide leader's SoCal mecca just served to remind us that by and large ESPN may have become a victim of its own success. We remember watching SportCenter back in the day when every other segment wasn't brought to you by a sponsor, they actually put un-telegenic people on the air and didn't seem to have a penchant for hiring people who's only qualification to pontificate on sports seems to be that that they do it loudly.

Perhaps it's the rise of the internet, but we find ourselves not tuning into the four-letter whore so much these days. That, and they still pay Joe Morgan a salary.

Don't drink the water, baby

2006-03-07T09:53:00.000-08:00

From WENN:

Lee Shocked by 'Brokeback' Loss

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon director Ang Lee was devastated Brokeback Mountain lost out on the Best Picture Oscar to Crash, but insists he is still proud of the movie The director was disappointed that his film didn't take home the top honor and is baffled as to why it didn't win. He explains, "I would do exactly the same. I'm so proud of the movie. They (the Academy) didn't vote for it, I don't know (why)...I'm just glad the audience embraced it. It was a surprise (not winning), quite frankly." In addition to Lee's Oscar, the film also won awards for Best Adapted Screenplay and Best Score.

Hmmm... maybe they liked Crash better? Hell, maybe they liked all of the other 4 films better, we'll never know—the Academy doesn't release vote totals. It's neat that we was so confident in his opus, but maybe he was a bit drunk on the KoolAid being poured by the critics in this town. We anoint him Ang Leinart for this. Bring on Hulk 2!

FPO post

2006-01-30T17:08:00.000-08:00

Because I haven't had time to give you the aftermath of the BloodRayne line, here's a me-too post. (Play along friends! Anyone can do it!):

ONE (1) earliest film-related memory:
Standing in line with my dad to see Empire Strikes Back.

TWO (2) favorite lines from movies:
"Free your mind"
"Not bad for a human"

THREE (3) jobs you’d do if you could not work in the “biz”:
Professional chef
be a number five starter
CEO of Apple

FOUR (4) jobs you actually have held outside the industry:
Office clerk
Churro vendor
Creative Director
Photoshop Monkey

THREE (3) book authors you like:
Hubbard
King
Stephenson

TWO (2) movies you’d like to remake or properties you’d like to adapt:
Hubbard's "Mission Earth" (If they can green-light Narnia, why not a 10-book sci-fi satire?)
The Dragonlance Chronicles

ONE (1) screenwriter you think is underrated:
Mike Judge

Bloodrayne is near

2006-01-03T17:41:00.000-08:00

The inimitable Dr. Boll has a treat for us this weekend. His latest masterwork, Bloodrayne. Some lucky souls have been allowed to see the finished work. Unfortunately they all seem to be haters. But is that really so hard to understand? Most humans cannot comprehend the UB genius level. We hate that which we cannot understand. That said, these sots will have their eyes stabbed out as penance for their ignorance shortly.

But not us. We are ready for the weekend. We are going to prepare by fasting on nothing but blood until show time. This should get us into the mood. In fact, we're already in line at the Burbank 16. It's not very long yet, but if you wait until Friday to get your tickets you'll be very envious of our position in line.

The master calls us!

Grand Theft Auto: Elmo's Revenge?

2006-01-03T14:28:00.000-08:00

Sounds like the cute little red guy is up to no good. What has the world come to? Maybe next Jim Sheridan will bring us Barney's Belfast, in which the purple fella blows up a good part of Ireland in the name of Irish Independence? It's toddler terrorism at its most bizarre.

Oh, and happy new year to everyone!

Tales from the Frozen North

2005-12-19T16:09:00.000-08:00

Right in my old back yard, no less!

Some would-be XBox 360 scalpers were robbed at gunpoint after failing in their attempt to double their money by selling 5 XBox 360s to people standing in line to buy them. Nobody likes a scalper, I guess. No word on wether or not the gunmen then played Santa Claus by turning over their ill-gotten gains to some needy gamers. I'm guessing not.

I'd be sympathetic to the plight of these boys, except for the fact that they were scalping! So now their actions have deprived four gamers from having a potentially incendiary home electronics device. But seriously, someone needs to take the rage out of A-Rage.

Another Screenwriter Blog

2005-12-12T14:00:00.000-08:00

Josh Friedman. Joy.

I Knew I Had A Lot Of Garbage...

2005-12-01T10:06:00.000-08:00

...but I didn't realize that I had this much. I hope I find a good home for all of it.

And in Other (Non-Uwe or Apprentice) News...

2005-11-22T13:07:00.000-08:00

A horse apparently named after a Viven Leigh character and a Dead Kennedy can drink legally for the first time today.

Somehow we don't think that procuring alcohol has been an issue prior to today. But now it's, you know, legal. Joy.

Make room at the trough!

It's coming...

2005-11-18T13:15:00.000-08:00

...and none of us are worthy.

Don LaFontaine did the voice over for this trailer! We weep with anticipation for the coming greatness that is Uwe.

Quick thoughts on last night

2005-11-11T11:50:00.000-08:00

I'm still trying to recover from my 15x10^-3 minutes of nationally televised fame. But here are some quick answers to burning questions you may have. If you've got another kind of burning, see a doctor.

• I do work with the guy that Clay was hitting on.

• Alla really was responsible for the win.

• $45 glasses of cognac on someone else's tab are nice perks. Highly recommended joy.

Clay and Adam are a couple of dorks.

2005-11-10T18:00:00.000-08:00

But I certainly had nothing to do with this monstosity.

Or did I?

Hmmpf.

2005-11-09T15:22:00.000-08:00

OK, so posts about Gallo's reproductive juices don't elicit responses. Noted.

Here's something that I may or may not have been involved in. I like how it says they were given access to me, as if I were a commodity. Or maybe they weren't given access...

Guess you'll just have to tune in and watch.

;-)

Only 51 Shopping Days Left!

2005-11-04T15:08:00.000-08:00

Are you stumped as to what to get that certain single female on your shopping list? You know, the one who wants to have children, but hasn't found the right guy?

Look no further, dear readers, as the intrepid JAD staffers have been working tirelessly since five minutes ago to bring you the solution to your KwansMasKah conundrum.

Vincent Gallo's sperm.

For only $1,000,000.

We know what you're thinking and right now we're wishing that we were female, so we could take advantage of this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. We mean, did you see Brown Bunny?*

Price includes all costs related to one attempt at an in-vitro fertilization. (A $50,000 value) If the first attempt at in vitro fertilization is unsuccessful, purchaser of sperm must pay all medical costs related to additional attempts. Mr. Gallo will supply sperm for as many attempts as it takes to complete a successful fertilization and successful delivery. Sperm is 100% guaranteed to be donated by Mr. Gallo who is drug, alcohol and disease free.

Yes, dear reader, you could give the gift of a lifetime to your female friend. The star and director of Brown Bunny and Buffalo 66** could sire her child(ren). In fact, for only $500,000 more, he'll do the inseminating naturally. Of course, if she's really attractive, he'll waive that fee.

The only way this could be a better gift is if it was the sperm of Dr. Uwe Boll, but we cannot have everything in life, can we?

* we didn't

** missed that one, too

We're Not Worthy

2005-10-31T12:11:00.000-08:00

The emollient Dr. Uwe Boll has announced that his upcoming opus, Dungeon Siege, will be split into 2 movies. We're not sure that mere mortals a worthy of such a bounty of Uwe-goodness. This event may be on a level with the Berlin wall coming down. Or the birth of Christ.

The genius that is Boll is so sublime, so perfect that lesser humans cannot begin to divine it. We can only witness the results, his magnificent celluloid gemstones that shine so brightly. He is creating an oeuvre unparalleled in this universe. (And we imagine any others.) With bold ideas such as the non-importance of both character and production design, he is picking up where the avant-garde left off 30 years ago. We weep at the bounty he has presented unto us.

Needless to say, we're going to go start the line for tickets tomorrow.

We also think that this makes it official: Time travel has been invented. How else can you explain two-bit hack directors like Tarantino and Coppola doing the same thing before the Maestro Boll conceived this? That's right, you can't.

Sulu Comes Out

2005-10-28T08:37:00.000-07:00

This is news? We're pretty sure that more people thought Ellen was straight than thought the Commander was.

Geeky fan boys everywhere are colored unsurprised.

Get that man a scalpel!

2005-10-27T11:16:00.000-07:00

The new King Kong is going to be 3 hours long.

Personally, we have no problem with 3 hour movies. As long as they move along at a decent clip. I imagine that spectacle such as Kong is a good candidate for working well as a 3 hour picture.

Some 3 hour movies that move well:
The Lord of the Rings films
The Godfather
Titanic
Casino

Some 3 hours movies that don't:
Dances with Wolves
Boogie Nights
Punch Drunk Love*
Actually, anything by P.T. Anderson
Lost in Translation*

* We know these movies weren't technically 3 hours long. They feel longer. Watching them will take years off your life.

A Different Kind of Color Commentary

2005-10-25T14:16:00.000-07:00

If, like us here at JAD you find yourself frequently despising the inanities spewed from las bocas of the talking heads who cover events of a sporting nature, we have a site for you. Joy.

49 Cinammon Buns!

2005-10-21T11:30:00.000-07:00

OK, I'm a horrible, bitter and spiteful GFB. I admit it.

Damn the Birthday Candles

2005-10-20T11:12:00.000-07:00

Thank you

2005-10-13T12:11:00.000-07:00

There is a God.

Somedays

2005-08-10T17:24:00.000-07:00

Somedays you get 0.2 metric tons worth of work dumped on you. With a tight deadline, because the client took a week and a half to get back to you. On these days you curse the client, your AE and everyone's respective parents. You start to get a little stressed.

Then you realize that about half your working time will involve going through photography of Jessica Alba and suddenly you don't mind.

So much.

You don't want his agent

2005-07-29T16:12:00.000-07:00

Him being Owen Wilson. In the movie business there are generally things called likeness clauses. A likeness clause dictates how big your mug has to be in relation to anyone else's mug (and sometimes who is even allowed) in promotional materials, like posters. Generally when you're the star you get the provision that no one's likeness may appear bigger than your likeness in the poster. In the case of 2 stars, they generally have to be equal.

Which brings me to why you don't want Owen Wilson's agent:

It's not even close. Sure, Double-V's head is lower than OW's, but apparently Vincenzo is a giant. (Or Owen was passed over for the role of Mini-Me only because his nose is crooked.)

If it's still not clear, here's a Photoshopped version of the poster to illustrate how much bigger V2 is in this particular poster. Keep in mind that all I did was rotate the bits of his body. I scaled nothing. I didn't fix the bit of perspective on him (he's leaning back from the camera).

Maybe OW and VV are really good friends and OW doesn't care about his likeness clause. Maybe he'll tell you that he really likes this poster. Riiiiiiiiiiight. This is a town where we get out the ruler on 40 year-old movies to make sure that the billings are the correct percentage of title. Someone fell asleep at the switch. Multiple someones, in all likelihood, since the overall design of this poster is very underwhelming. I understand using the ubiquitous "Comedy White" solution, but couldn't someone come up with a visual concept than this?

$12.4 Million? Wow.

2005-07-25T14:55:00.000-07:00

I didn't think that teaming Obi-Wan Kenobi with a talking horse was a good idea, but even I didn't expect this. This first trailer, the one with Mr. Pink delivering the only bit of dialogue, was actually good. But the subsequent offerings made it look worse and worse. The brown artwork probably didn't help. Apparently the more the horse talked, the less people wanted to see it.

I know for a fact that Mr. Large Body of Water Partially Surrounded by Land is very involved in the marketing of his movies, so he's got to share some of the blame. Maybe most of it. After all, he's the one that cast the horse.

Greatest. Web. Site. Ever.

2005-07-22T17:12:00.000-07:00

www.uweboll.com

It's pronounced TARE-el

2005-07-22T15:15:00.000-07:00

"At the end of the day, I don't have to worry about what people think of me, whether they hate me or not. People hated on Jesus. They threw stones at him and tried to kill him, so how can I complain or worry about what people think?"
–– Eagles wide receiver Terrell Owens, on how people might react to his potential camp holdout.

I'm so glad that the hated Eagles have to deal with this guy, after he trashed by beloved Niners before leaving town. But I have to admit a grudging respect for them over the hard line stance they're taking with this idiot. I wonder if it has occurred to him that if he holds out that he won't get paid anything and that that might not be good for his family, which is the other quote attributed to him.

And all this posturing after a year which could only be considered his fourth-best as a pro. And after he had gotten his dream gig in Philly. And after signing a good contract with them.

This is all as laughable as the time Latrell Spreewell was asking for $9MM (or whatever it was) a year to play basketball, claiming he needed to feed his family. What most people don't know is that he's got 10 wives, 216 kids and 46 in-laws that live at his compound and have to be fed quail, asian pears, veal and lobster daily. On doctor's orders, of course.

Blogspam

2005-06-27T17:26:00.000-07:00

Don't do it. However tempting it is to use other blogger's comments areas to promote your ultra-crappy, badly written excuse for using up server space. Make an interesting comment and you'll be rewarded with page views and maybe frequent readership. But blog spam isn't welcome and doesn't work. So don't do it.

Just.

Don't.

Thank you.

AFI's 100 Best Movie Quotes

2005-06-23T09:22:00.000-07:00

I'll post what I thought was overlooked and what shouldn't have been included later. Meantime, here's the list as it is:

“Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn,” “Gone With the Wind,” 1939.
“I’m going to make him an offer he can’t refuse,” “The Godfather,” 1972.
“You don’t understand! I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I could’ve been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am,” “On the Waterfront,” 1954.
“Toto, I’ve got a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore,” “The Wizard of Oz,” 1939.
“Here’s looking at you, kid,” “Casablanca,” 1942.
“Go ahead, make my day,” “Sudden Impact,” 1983.
“All right, Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my close-up,” “Sunset Blvd.,” 1950.
“May the Force be with you,” “Star Wars,” 1977.
“Fasten your seatbelts. It’s going to be a bumpy night,” “All About Eve,” 1950.
“You talking to me?” “Taxi Driver,” 1976.
“What we’ve got here is failure to communicate,” “Cool Hand Luke,” 1967.
“I love the smell of napalm in the morning,” “Apocalypse Now,” 1979.
“Love means never having to say you’re sorry,” “Love Story,” 1970.
“The stuff that dreams are made of,” “The Maltese Falcon,” 1941.
“E.T. phone home,” “E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial,” 1982.
“They call me Mister Tibbs!”, “In the Heat of the Night,” 1967.
“Rosebud,” “Citizen Kane,” 1941.
“Made it, Ma! Top of the world!”, “White Heat,” 1949.
“I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!”, “Network,” 1976.
“Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship,” “Casablanca,” 1942.
“A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti,” “The Silence of the Lambs,” 1991.
“Bond. James Bond,” “Dr. No,” 1962.
“There’s no place like home,” “The Wizard of Oz,” 1939.
“I am big! It’s the pictures that got small,” “Sunset Blvd.,” 1950.
“Show me the money!”, “Jerry Maguire,” 1996.
“Why don’t you come up sometime and see me?”, “She Done Him Wrong,” 1933.
“I’m walking here! I’m walking here!”, “Midnight Cowboy,” 1969.
“Play it, Sam. Play ’As Time Goes By,”’ “Casablanca,” 1942.
“You can’t handle the truth!”, “A Few Good Men,” 1992.
“I want to be alone,” “Grand Hotel,” 1932.
“After all, tomorrow is another day!”, “Gone With the Wind,” 1939.
“Round up the usual suspects,” “Casablanca,” 1942.
“I’ll have what she’s having,” “When Harry Met Sally...,” 1989.
“You know how to whistle, don’t you, Steve? You just put your lips together and blow,” “To Have and Have Not,” 1944.
“You’re gonna need a bigger boat,” “Jaws,” 1975.
“Badges? We ain’t got no badges! We don’t need no badges! I don’t have to show you any stinking badges!”, “The Treasure of the Sierra Madre,” 1948.
“I’ll be back,” “The Terminator,” 1984.
“Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth,” “The Pride of the Yankees,” 1942.
“If you build it, he will come,” “Field of Dreams,” 1989.
“Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get,” “Forrest Gump,” 1994.
“We rob banks,” “Bonnie and Clyde,” 1967.
“Plastics,” “The Graduate,” 1967.
“We’ll always have Paris,” “Casablanca,” 1942.
“I see dead people,” “The Sixth Sense,” 1999.
“Stella! Hey, Stella!”, “A Streetcar Named Desire,” 1951.
“Oh, Jerry, don’t let’s ask for the moon. We have the stars,” “Now, Voyager,” 1942.
“Shane. Shane. Come back!”, “Shane,” 1953.
“Well, nobody’s perfect,” “Some Like It Hot,” 1959.
“It’s alive! It’s alive!”, “Frankenstein,” 1931.
“Houston, we have a problem,” “Apollo 13,” 1995.
“You’ve got to ask yourself one question: ’Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya, punk?”, “Dirty Harry,” 1971.
“You had me at ‘hello,”’ “Jerry Maguire,” 1996.
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don’t know,” “Animal Crackers,” 1930.
“There’s no crying in baseball!”, “A League of Their Own,” 1992.
“La-dee-da, la-dee-da,” “Annie Hall,” 1977.
“A boy’s best friend is his mother,” “Psycho,” 1960.
“Greed, for lack of a better word, is good,” “Wall Street,” 1987.
“Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer,” “The Godfather Part II,” 1974.
“As God is my witness, I’ll never be hungry again,” “Gone With the Wind,” 1939.
“Well, here’s another nice mess you’ve gotten me into!”, “Sons of the Desert,” 1933.
“Say ‘hello’ to my little friend!”, “Scarface,” 1983.
“What a dump,” “Beyond the Forest,” 1949.
“Mrs. Robinson, you’re trying to seduce me. Aren’t you?”, “The Graduate,” 1967.
“Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here! This is the War Room!”, “Dr. Strangelove,” 1964.
“Elementary, my dear Watson,” “The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes,” 1929.
“Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape,” “Planet of the Apes,” 1968.
“Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine,” “Casablanca,” 1942.
“Here’s Johnny!”, “The Shining,” 1980.
“They’re here!”, “Poltergeist,” 1982.
“Is it safe?”, “Marathon Man,” 1976.
“Wait a minute, wait a minute. You ain’t heard nothin’ yet!”, “The Jazz Singer,” 1927.
“No wire hangers, ever!”, “Mommie Dearest,” 1981.
“Mother of mercy, is this the end of Rico?”, “Little Caesar,” 1930.
“Forget it, Jake, it’s Chinatown,” “Chinatown,” 1974.
“I have always depended on the kindness of strangers,” “A Streetcar Named Desire,” 1951.
“Hasta la vista, baby,” “Terminator 2: Judgment Day,” 1991.
“Soylent Green is people!”, “Soylent Green,” 1973.
“Open the pod bay doors, HAL,” “2001: A Space Odyssey,” 1968.
Striker: “Surely you can’t be serious.” Rumack: “I am serious ... and don’t call me Shirley,” “Airplane!”, 1980.
“Yo, Adrian!”, “Rocky,” 1976.
“Hello, gorgeous,” “Funny Girl,” 1968.
“Toga! Toga!”, “National Lampoon’s Animal House,” 1978.
“Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make,” “Dracula,” 1931.
“Oh, no, it wasn’t the airplanes. It was Beauty killed the Beast,” “King Kong,” 1933.
“My precious,” “The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers,” 2002.
“Attica! Attica!”, “Dog Day Afternoon,” 1975.
“Sawyer, you’re going out a youngster, but you’ve got to come back a star!”, “42nd Street,” 1933.
“Listen to me, mister. You’re my knight in shining armor. Don’t you forget it. You’re going to get back on that horse, and I’m going to be right behind you, holding on tight, and away we’re gonna go, go, go!”, “On Golden Pond,” 1981.
“Tell ’em to go out there with all they got and win just one for the Gipper,” “Knute Rockne, All American,” 1940.
“A martini. Shaken, not stirred,” “Goldfinger,” 1964
“Who’s on first,” “The Naughty Nineties,” 1945.
“Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac ... It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole!”, “Caddyshack,” 1980.
“Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death!”, “Auntie Mame,” 1958.
“I feel the need — the need for speed!”, “Top Gun,” 1986.
“Carpe diem. Seize the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary,” “Dead Poets Society,” 1989.
“Snap out of it!”, “Moonstruck,” 1987.
“My mother thanks you. My father thanks you. My sister thanks you. And I thank you,” “Yankee Doodle Dandy,” 1942.
“Nobody puts Baby in a corner,” “Dirty Dancing,” 1987.
“I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!”, “The Wizard of Oz,” 1939.
“I’m king of the world!”, “Titanic,” 1997.

Somewhere, a certain Spaniard is very pissed off.

Boll Me Over...

2005-06-15T14:05:00.000-07:00

JAD's favorite movie director, the inscrutable Uwe Boll, is allegedly being considered for directing duties on a movie adaptation of the PC game Postal. This kind of genre-jumping (House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark & the upcoming masterpiece that is Blood Rayne) is virtually unprecedented, but we feel that the intrepid autuer will be up to the task. Dare we say, "Oscar?"

Yes, we dare.

Thanks, Michael

2005-06-14T09:04:00.000-07:00

Thank you for telling us that you are not going to have children* in your bed anymore. We'll just gloss over the glaring contradiction here.

But well done to you! And congratulations on the not guilty verdicts! Too bad you couldn't get the judge to allow a verdict of innocent...

* And by children we specifically mean young boys. But hey! It's a natural and loving thing, right?!?!

How to write like a gossip columnist

2005-06-08T18:41:00.000-07:00

Anyone can do it!

Just keep in mind to never use your source's name, and always play up a celebrity's reaction to something using the following words:

Blast
Slam
Fuming

Here's an example:

"Latigo Flint blasted reports that his guns do not actually fire live ammunition."

Use them in combination!:

"Gil slammed fellow carnie Sal's insinuation that he got a bit too personal with a badger. "It was cold and he wasn't even there!" the one-eyed Whack 'em Cats operator fumed."

That's right, kiddies. Anyone can write a gossip column. And with the internet, anyone can publish it, too!

p.s. Don't forget to put a salacious slant on everything. And blow things out of proportion, too. In fact, you may want to change your middle name to that.

This just in

2005-06-07T18:27:00.000-07:00

ABC has just announced that they are dropping the NBA Finals in favor of repeats of "Lost" and "Desperate Housewives".

My Review

2005-05-20T19:26:00.000-07:00

(I actually started writing this the day after I saw it. It's taken a while to get around to finishing it.)

I'm glad I didn't do the midnight show.

First, a little background on my involvement with George Lucas's creation, known as Star Wars. I was not even two when the first Star Wars was unleashed upon the world. Back then, it was just Star Wars—the sub-title "A New Hope" was added later (which is ironic, considering the much more objectionable changes later made to the original films by Lucas.) But I have always known Star Wars. It is the first film I remember seeing. My brother and I had a good percentage of the original toys, we actually still do. I've dressed up as Star Wars characters for Halloween and I've watched every Star Wars spinoff, even the Ewoks movies. I have owned the original trilogy in 3 different incarnations on video. I have a print of Darth Vader hanging in my house and until the last few years I've continued to collect Star Wars merchandise. In short, I've been a fan.

On with the review.

This film, the last we will ever have, may be one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen in a theatre. The action sequences, especially the opening space battle, are mind-bogglingly wonderous to behold. The line between CGI and models has been erased in this film.

But it's an awful film. Especially for a Star Wars film. Sure, it may be better than the last two, but what does that say? A ringing endorsement that is not. This final chapter, the one that should have been a slam-dunk, completes the removal of the franchise's soul at the hands of its own creator.

The plot is rushed, because an awful lot has to happen to get to the end game. The dialogue is... I cannot think of an example to convey just how bloody awful this really is. The characters are akin to the life-size cutouts you used to see in theatre lobbies and can still find in tourist traps on Hollywood Boulevard.

In ROTS, Lucas continues to remove everything that was special about the Force. This and the total emasculation of the Jedis are what makes this new Trilogy a pale imitation at best of everything that worked about the first one. Although this is really all just a logical extension of where Lucas started going with Return of the Jedi. Ewoks, a feel-good quickie ending and a second Death Star are all indications of the beginnings of 20 years of mailing it in when it comes to Lucas and his Star Wars films.

The only moments that are at all enjoyable in this film are ones involving Yoda, Chewie and ... well, I guess that's about it. Moments that rely on nearly 30 years of living with these characters--nothing in this movie or the two that have proceeded it have been able to manufacture any emotional involvement in these characters. And as enjoyable as some of the Yoda bits are, Lucas kills those near the end by giving him some of the worst lines imaginable and one disastrous exchange that fully kills the Force.

Obi-Wan is reduced to a one-lining action hero in this film. There is very little here to indicate 20 year transition to the wise knight we came to know in 1977.

Anakin. There's no point in talking about the exchanges with Padme. His transition to the dark side is handled with boxing gloves. It's not believable, it's not compelling, it just sucks.

There's also a problem with the time line. If 20 years later we're supposed to get A New Hope, it doesn't work. This particular film should have happened 10 years later. Anakin going from confused/angry teen to the embodiment of evil and terror in the galaxy would work better. He's too young. The jump from this Obi-Wan to the next would also work better.

The final minutes of ROTS tries to shoehorn everything together to tie this misbegotten trilogy to what came before and it's just awful. Padme's death becomes just a plot device. The naming of the twins is so bad and unworthy of the Star Wars heritage. Yoda's exchange with Obi-Wan about how Qui-Gonn has learned to speak with the living from the other side is a bigger affront to fans than the infamous "midichlorians".

Then there's the plot points. I mean, holes. Not just between this tril and the former (or is that next?), but the weak plotting in this trilogy doesn't hold up, either:

What was the prophecy? Not that we needed this in the first place.

Why were the Sith out for revenge? For what, exactly?

Why doesn't Chewie know about Yoda in the original tril?

What happens in these next 20 years to R2-D2's jets and other enhancements?

Why can't Obi remember the droids in Episode IV? Surely 20 years isn't too long, considering the amount of time he was around them?

Why are the Jedi so stupid? They come across as neither wise or intelligent.

What's with all the flipping?

The list goes on...

I wanted to enjoy this one. I really did. But crap is crap. And the Force is no longer with us.

Whoa.

2005-05-13T10:53:00.000-07:00

"Will be remembered as one of the greatest movies ever made. 'Classic' isn't kind enough a word for this gem. The best film to be unleashed onto the public in 25 years!"
-- Alex Sandell, JUICY CEREBELLUM

Calm down, big boy. Calm down.

Take that, tubby!

2005-05-02T08:09:00.000-07:00

$21.7MM opening. I like to think that Douglas would be proud.

If you haven't seen it yet and you liked the books, I do recommend it. There's a definite plot, and a lot of things are different, but the essence is there. It's also such a joy to see practical creature effects again. The CGI is great, especially when they get to Magrathea, but the aliens are wonderful creations of Jim Henson's shop. When you see the Vogons, you'll wonder why GL had to go all-CGI with his creatures.

4 stars out of 5

TMQ Lives!

2005-04-26T17:21:00.000-07:00

Ok, that headline could be cooler. Just imagine that it's 40 years ago. And that you're in a NYC subway. And instead of reading a blog, you're reading some graffiti. And instead of "TMQ", it says "Frodo".

...

Alright, it was a stretch. Sue me. I've got Barry White as my legal counsel. This is exciting news. I'm so excited I need to go beat on Kid Mayo with my Titanium Pimpstick™.

Some thoughts

2005-04-26T09:14:00.000-07:00

After watching some (OK, a lot) of the opening weekend of the NBA's second season, some things occurred to me.

• Is George Clooney trying to compete with his buddy Brad by doing Budweiser VOs? WTF?

• The new Bulls are fun to watch, but watch out for Ben Gordon if they start losing again.

• Do the movie/playoff tie-in promos that TNT does really work? I'm not sure that this is the right venue for Kingdom of Heaven.

• The adidas commercials are works of art, but somebody please tell me what they have to do with the shoes. The shoes are intelligent? Does that mean they understand the ads?

• Enough with the pouty looks after you score and get fouled. If you're trying to look intense, it's not working. You look like you just chomped on a lemon. Score, pump your fist and be done with it. Stop trying to look like you've just had every member of your family insulted and your hometown invaded by locusts. It's just basketball.

• Ahmad Rashad owns the NBA behind-the-scenes/personal interest story.

• The XXX 2: Electric Boogaloo tie-ins are not going to help, but it still may open bigger than H2G2. [sigh]

• The Heat: Shaq 2.0. Kobe who?

There are new Halo 2 maps out there. Go and get them.

Also, I will be in NYC Saturday the 7th, so mark your calendars, mmm-K?

Now if they were offering Corellian ale, I might just show

2005-04-20T12:44:00.000-07:00

Apparently my home town Fan Force is lining up for the midnight showing of Star Wars Episode III: ROTS. The odd thing about midnight showings or any late night movie viewing in Anchorage is that it's still light when you exit the theater. This can take some getting used to. (This only applies during the summer months, BTW.)

The really sad thing about this is that the line is almost guaranteed to be better than the movie. This one's still going to suck, boys and girls. Great effects and awesome Jedi action will be melded together with mind-numbingly dull (and pointless) politics, bad writing and possibly worse acting by most involved. I saw the last one in the theater and the highlight was hands down the 5 minute lightsaber battle before the movie started, put on by a couple of fans in costume with plastic sabers in hand. They had some great moves and generated more applause than anything in the 2 hours of pain than followed.

Of course, I will be seeing this conclusion in the theatre. How can I not? This doesn inspire some level of self-loathing, though. I will be spending the whole time trying to think about that Lucas has said that he wants to re-release all the movies in the future. In. 3. D. Lucas! God damn you!!

Why can't his spleen take a hint from H2G2 and save our memories of this franchise before he destroys them all for reasons that I cannot even begin to comprehend. Don't say it's money, because that ain't so. He could be doing a better job with his SW legacy and make just as much or more than he is now. I think he hates us.

Enough already

2005-04-18T15:16:00.000-07:00

Adobe (makers of PDF and Photoshop) have announced that they are going to devour the company known as Macromedia (makers of Flash and other junk). Joy.

I don't throw my lot in with the whole "corporations are evil" crowd, but this is not a good thing. It's not like the EA/NFL deal (which was initiated by the NFL for reasons known only to Lucifer); it may be worse.

Macromedia was Adobe's only competition in at least a couple spaces, such as image editing and web interface builders. This means effectively no competition for the new GoLive/Dreamweaver product, and likely, no innovation. The only good that could possibly come of this is if the Flash interface gets fixed, because right now it blows yaks. I'm not holding my breath. Hopefully the regulators will disallow this one.

Later in the day, videogame retailer Gamestop announced it's pending assimilation of videogame retailer Electronics Boutique. It's the hip thing to do, apparently.

Tomorrow I expect to read that Latigo Flint will be acquired by Blog Ho or LBB. Just Another Day will announce tomorrow the acquisition of Carnies Ain't Creepy. Rumors are that the site will be shut down, the existing content repurposed as a web comic and lots of t-shirts with obscure references for sale. There were also rumors of what might be done with Gil, but they're not fit to be repeated here.

In case you were wondering...

2005-04-14T10:19:00.000-07:00

...no, we are not dead.

...yes, we are very happy that the Lakers are officially out of the playoffs. But this does not end our "Down with KBB" mindset!

...yes, there will be Titanium Pimpsticks™ for sale here soon in this spot. Shill, shill, shill!

...no, and you don't want to, either.

...yes, he was a groovy kind of guy. Not perfect, but hey: who is?

...42. Don't you read?

...yes, she is a skank. Dating, shtupping and marrying a scumbag is skanky. It doesn't matter that she's currently married to the guy. This pregnancy just underlines the skankiness.

...Gil is dead.

...no he's not.

...that's right, we're coming to NYC in May for a bit. Or at least NYC-adjacent.

...yes, he is dead. If not, why isn't he posting?

...the new Beck is good. Buy it. No, not the beer. But it's OK to buy beer, too.

Shirt Update

2005-04-11T11:50:00.000-07:00

We have sold two Suspicious Yak tees! This is great news, but apparently it's not enough to nurse Gil back to posting health.

So. Buy. More. Shirts.

(Or Western Union the carny some money. I think he's in Manitoba.)

I Love This Game!™

2005-03-29T17:03:00.000-08:00

It is a well known fact that we here at JAD despise with a level of intensity normally reserved for cockroaches and Carrot Top one Kobe Bean Bryant. We have posted about this several times.

In a glorious development, the rest of the known universe is coming on board with this view. Chad Ford, "insider" for the Galactic Sports Station ESPN, has authored a column entitled, "Kobe's Act Wearing Thin In L.A.?" in which he writes:

As a player, Kobe Bryant ranks as one of the 10 best players in the NBA.

But given the Los Angeles Lakers' current problems, and the obstacles they face in fixing the team this summer, should owner Jerry Buss entertain a Kobe trade?

This is fun. This is better than the 8-game losing streak that just ended (only the second 8-game slide since the 60s for the Lake Show). The answer is of course, yes.

The debate (if you thought there was one) about which player KBB or the MDE made more of an impact in LA, is over. The bigger impact, the greater team asset is now in South Beach rocking his way to the best record in the East. Shaq's player efficiency rating is 3rd best in the league. KBB's is 4th best. On the Lakers. Unbelievable.

OK. We can at least see Dr. Buss's point of view. He went with the guy with more on paper upside. Shaq was going to ask for enough money to buy Somalia and move it to a new location off the coast of Louisiana. And he was going to want a lot of years, probably more than he has left. We can see that. But what Buss apparently couldn't see is that the box score is not indicative of anything beyond what happened in that particular game. KBB's inability to have interpersonal relationships and his above-and-beyond approach to selfishness are not signs of someone you want to mortgage the most popular brand in sport on.

So now the question is, can Buss trade Bryant? Is it too late? We say do it as soon as possible, before his stock drops. Another two seasons like this and he'll be the new Chris Webber, but with rings that came courtesy of one Big Diesel.

The other problem is that people don't want to play with him. He was tolerated when it was Shaq's team, but now you get open sniping like this:

When asked by reporters what moves he would make in the offseason to improve the Lakers, Chucky Atkins was quick to jump on a recurring theme about Kobe's perceived role on the team.

"I ain't the GM of this team," Atkins told reporters before the Lakers' eighth straight loss on Sunday. "Kobe's the GM of this team. Ask Kobe. You've been watching this [stuff] all year. You've been watching it and I've been playing in it."

and this:

Asked if he was surprised with the Lakers' struggles, Allen Iverson said, "There ain't no No. 34 around here no more," he said, referring to O'Neal. "There's no surprise."

He's right. This isn't a surprise. Only those with their heads in the sand (or up KBB's butt) thought that this team had a hope of making the playoffs. But they're in that no-man's land of having an almost respectable record which ensures a lottery pick out of the top 10.

It's a long way from the Finals to the lottery. This year the road takes you to Staples Center.

An Open Letter From Blogger

2005-03-29T11:19:00.000-08:00

Funny that they didn't send one to me...

You look like you are suffering from a towel deficiency.

2005-03-21T10:23:00.000-08:00

This will help you with that—as soon as their ordering system is up and running. Until it is, they may give you some lemon-soaked paper napkins. Joy.

Blackout

2005-03-18T14:57:00.000-08:00

The jury did not believe that Lil' Kim's sunglasses kept her from noticing that it was her friends who were shooting people outside the Hot 97 radio station. Apparently she misplaced the manual for her Joo Janta 200 Peril-Sensitive Sunglasses™. The jury, having not personally experienced the usefulness of having sunglasses that turn progressively black in the presence of danger, thought she was just a liar. Zaphod could have told them that a person wearing such sunglasses would definitely not seen anyone shooting anyone else under any circumstances.

The interesting thing about the above article is not that Lil' Kim is the first female rap star to go to prison, but that this radio station is the place where rap entourages go to have shootouts.

"Hot 97 is the same station where the posses of 50 Cent and The Game traded bullets last month."

Hot 97 is the new OK Corral!

We may have just found a career for Latigo that would make good use of his skills. He just needs to hook up with a rap posse. Are there any C&W rappers out there who need the fastest gun in the modern world?

Falling Away With You

2005-03-16T13:16:00.000-08:00

Sadly, the 150 foot icescraper has fallen. There were rumors that it suffered the breakdown after learning its phone number was released to the world when Paris Hilton's sidekick was hacked, but we're pretty sure that's nonsense.