Look no further, dear readers, as the intrepid JAD staffers have been working tirelessly since five minutes ago to bring you the solution to your KwansMasKah conundrum.
Vincent Gallo's sperm.
For only $1,000,000.
We know what you're thinking and right now we're wishing that we were female, so we could take advantage of this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. We mean, did you see Brown Bunny?*
Yes, dear reader, you could give the gift of a lifetime to your female friend. The star and director of Brown Bunny and Buffalo 66** could sire her child(ren). In fact, for only $500,000 more, he'll do the inseminating naturally. Of course, if she's really attractive, he'll waive that fee.
The only way this could be a better gift is if it was the sperm of Dr. Uwe Boll, but we cannot have everything in life, can we?
* we didn't
** missed that one, too