Monday, September 18, 2006

Cowboys & Aliens Teaser Trailer

It's the old west, cowboys versus indians. Then the aliens crash-land right in the middle. And it's not cowboy versus indian anymore, it's man versus alien in a desperate fight for survival.


It must be self-promotion Monday around here and nobody told me til' the end!

Anyhoo—I'm very much responsible for the 60 seconds of goodness that you see above these words. Editing, art directing, three-dee-ing, fluffing, etc. Last week was lots of fun. Doing the trailer and the site in a very short time. I'd tell you how short a time, but then the big boss people are going to expect things even faster than your not-so-slow hero can do without hurting himself.

Enjoy and share.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

the secret life of Bill Simmons

Totally excellent column for some reason rejected by page 2 editors. Thanks, chisports!

The Sports Guy Goes to an Auction


So I'm sitting there the other day watching ESPN2 and I see that Reggie Jackson had a great game. There is nobody, with the possible exception of Kevin Kennedy, that I dislike more than Reggie Jackson. In the pantheon of people that 'Make the Sports Guy Insane,' these two are neck and neck.

The phone rings. It's my friend Bish. Score! Bish is always willing to discuss our mutual distaste for Reggie Jackson. Don't get me wrong--we respect his abilities. But he's the the animated Sports Guy of sports. Totally annoying, yet on TV all the time. Bish mentions that it would be nice if Reggie Jackson caught a case of chlamydia at the beginning of September, paving the way for the Red Sox to the playoffs like on Viagara.

Bish points out that the chances that Reggie Jackson will come down with chlamydia in September are minimal, but that if we expanded the possibilities, there would be a greater chance for debilitating success. As usual, Bish is a crazy genius.

Here is what we came up with:

4. Reggie Jackson receives a vicious piledriver from Sam Malone in front of 40,000 fans jammed into Cheers.

(On a side note, has there ever been a greater moment in sports than when when the Hulkster totally didn't body slam Andre the Giant? I don't even care if it was fake, that was Jeter-esque.)

3. Reggie Jackson is informed by his wife that their child was not fathered by him but rather by either Jonathon Papelbon or Theo Epstien.

2. Reggie Jackson hangs a poster of Brandon Walsh in his locker and is immediately put on the DL.

1. Reggie Jackson meets Clay from The Apprentice, falls in love, and leaves team to begin filming 'My Fair Yankee.'

After we finish with the conversation about Reggie Jackson we turn ourselves to the real topic of conversation, the upcoming draft of the Melissa Stark is Sexy Memorial Baseball Association, a new fantasy league that Bish and I will be joining this year.

Ordinarily, I'm never an advocate of partnering up to own a fantasy baseball team. That's like getting picked up by Stephi Graf and going back to her place, only to find out that Sports Guy is already there. If the best you get is to share, sometimes it's not worth it at all, right?

However, this league only had one slot open, so Bish and I agreed to partner up, in the hope that one of us could switch over and manage the next vacancy. After much debate, and eliminating the excellent possibilities of 'Candy Land with g-strings' and 'Big Papi's Shiny hookers, blow and Dennis Rodmans as potential team names, we settle on 'Palm Springers.'

The thing that-s exciting about this league is that it-s an auction format league, which is totally different than a draft league. I mean, it seems as though it would be the same as a draft league, but it's not. It's like the difference between NHL 93 and NHL 94-you take out fighting and add one-timers, you've got a whole different game, even if they are both hockey.

Pre-Auction preparation is important. First, it is important to choose where the league will be having the auction. Many times people will choose to have their auction in a Palm Springs. This is a bad idea. Nothing good can come of this; at the end of the day every person in the room is going to be grumpy and have an extremely sore neck after four hours.

No, the auction must be held in someone-s house-biggest furnished basement wins. The coolness of the wife/significant other can be a deciding factor if two people have similar options-say, if owner A has a Kid Icarus arcade game, but owner B has a case of Schlitz. Nothing will kill a fun evening faster than the host's wife emasculating him with a '"no, nothing's wrong. I'm not upset. At. All.".' We have selected next Tuesday night, at 8 pm, at a guy's house where his wife will be in Palm Springs, and therefore unable to disrupt the festivities.

I will not be sharing with you my player ratings for this coming season-after all, Jesus doesn't play poker with the hand face up-but I will give you some insight into my auction strategy. The thing is, an auction has so much more of an influence on your season than a draft does. In an auction, every player in the league is at your disposal. Everyone starts out equal. It's the Libertarianism of fantasy sports.

It's also like a doing Paris Hilton. It requires endurance, it requires stamina, it requires concentration and planning. Without further ado, here is my 'Sports Guy Auction Strategy Guide':

Round One-Dance and Jab

Once the auction starts, timing and strategy are much more important than they are in a traditional draft. The first hour or so of the auction has to be spent feeling out your opponents. Are they particularly loyal to the New York Mets? Do they have a tendency toward writing columns for Page 2? You are looking for weaknesses that you can exploit later on. Store these like hickeys

Here is a good place to test people by chucking out a few names of guys you-d never want on your team-aging, oft-injured players, like Nomah, or over-hyped rookies that will never pan out like Curt Schilling.

Everyone is going to get some good players at this point, so make sure you don-t overpay and find yourself begging for money like Turtle asking for Vinny Chase's AMEX Black.

Round Two-Have a Sense of History

In round two, there will be one moment that defines your draft. Things will be going along smoothly, and all of a sudden you'll get involved in a bidding war on a player. It's not unlike a big pot in a no-limit hold-em tournament-you'll have your Tom Brady-Tom Cruise in All the Right Moves moment, and you need to decide what to do.

Oftentimes, this will come down to a single dollar, here or there-if you bid $0.25 for Pedro Martinez, you know you'll get him, but you're facing a bid with the clock ticking. Are you going to be a hero, carried off the field like Aaron Boone? Or are you Bill Billicheck, skulking off the field into the jeering history of your team's fans, with only your family still willing to speak with you. Now is your moment. Set the tone.

Round Three-Moving Day

Hour three of the draft is moving day, like the third day of a golf tournament. You need to shoot a 69. This is where you'll fill out a lot of the players that, while less hairy, make up the core of your team. Do not discount the importance of moving day. If you wait until the next phase to build the core of your team, you'll find yourself as lonely as the Sports Girl in a GLAAD service.

Moving day is the time to make things happen for your team. This is where you are going to define the season that you have. If you end up moving day by taking an accurate mix of future stars, injury-risk players, and Pokey Reese, you'll be okay.

Round Four-The Game of Trivial Pursuit

By the end of the fantasy auction, the endeavor has become excruciating. The only thing it can be compared to is a game of Trivial Pursuit, played among friends. Something that, at the beginning of the endeavor, seemed like such fun, but by the end of it, is just a group of people banging their heads against the wall, adamantly trying to finish what they started, the joy of competing against your friends replaced with a desire to prove that you are more manly and that is that.

In this phase of the auction, you must be careful. This is the '"I gotta admit, it turned me on"' moment of the draft. People will be exploding like my balls, screaming incomprehensible things like the Sports Guy and threatening to storm out of the room if they do not get their way.

Just bite your lip, set your jaw, and try and endure. It's a long season coming forward.

'"You complete me"'

Monday, June 26, 2006

Our existence has been validated.

Our version of why Joe Morgan was called away for a phone call has made it onto FireJoeMorgan. Like Ryan after his hole-in-one, we are contemplating giving up this internet thing altogether. How can we top this?

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Grassroots promo, yo

I did one of those Photoshop parody thingies for the mooneybooster and he thought highly enough of said "art" to put it on his that thar web site. Go for the art, stay for the amusing ravings of a die-hard Cubs fan. He's old-school.

Friday, June 09, 2006

I'm Back

And I must apologize...

For this:

And this:

And this (but more for the first two):


I tried, I really did. I tried to make them better. Tried to capture the essence of the original illustrations. (and I defy anyone to tell me that the poster images for IV and V are the ones that pop to mind when you think back. The photo versions we did of this and this were better. Much better.

"Hey kids! When you buy them, you get the original poster art..."

...on the back.

Well, at least they're better than the last ones. Not that that justifies anything. It's hard to work on a project you love when the people who control it now view it just as a cash cow to trot out and re-fill the coffers whenever they feel like. And no, I'm not exaggerating. Do you know why there hasn't been a balls-out, must-have collector's version of any of these? In a time when even fucking Showgirls gets the super-boxed set treatment??

Because they know that it will sell anyway and refuse to do any more than the bare minimum. You have to kind of admire that kind of hubris don't you?

So, you do what you can. You don't this 5 times before, but you try to make it the best. Try to make it something that you yourself might actually pick up. And then they tear it apart and distill it down to something almost but not entirely unlike the original spirit of these films.

This release should have been done in 3 different covers, at the very least. Instead, we had to do something that was for the fans, for moms and for people that remembered seeing the originals in '77, '80 & '83. I'm not kidding. I think what we wound up with pleased almost no one. Better than the last ones, though.

But I had no power to avert this tragedy. I give up. No mas. It is obvious now that GL hates those of us that love the originals and cares only about making more money. Well, fine. Fuck you, too. At least I have the new Blade Runner releases to look forward to.

I'd make a joke about the creator becoming the Empire, but I don't have it in me anymore.

Friday, April 21, 2006

"The Unicron says..."

The eyes of the 18" Transformers toy sitting on the small IKEA table in my office have started glowing on their own. I don't think they're supposed to do that... Could it be that he's displeased with the direction the movie is taking? He's not a Shia LeBouf fan?

Or maybe I'm in a Volkswagon commercial.

Time will tell...

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

It's alive

Well, that was anti-climactic.

Installing XP on the JAD iMac was a very smooth process. Of course, Boot Camp is from Apple, so why would we expect anything else? But it's not like this is an emulator or something: the hardware inside the current gen of Macs is essentially the same as that of the other Windows/UNIX/Linux-running computers in the world.

But it's nice to know that I have one computer on the desk that can now run virtually 100% of the software on this planet. The other boxes out there cannot say that.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

[does spit-take]

I'm not really sure what the theme of this blog is at this point, but it's mine, so suffer a Mac post.

The impossible has happened. Apple has made it easy to install Windows on an Intel iMac or MacBookPro. I can't think of an emoticon that would accurately show my level of surprise at this. I think this means that I have to run out and buy XP, just to do it. Gaaaahaak!

...

(out of words)

Thursday, March 23, 2006

More ESPN-bashing

As much as our ambivalence about the WWL has grown, we have always loathed ESPN morning guy Colin Cowherd. There is bad radio and then there's Cowherd. He replaced orange man Tony Kornheiser a few years ago. He got the slot about a year or two after TK actually left. In the intervening time, ESPN and the affiliates just ran a repeat of Mike & Mike (or as the wife calls them, the Soutern Baptist preachers) in the time slot.

Listening to Cowherd actually lowers your intelligence. He is not funny nor is he insightful. He is also deathly afraid of people who disagree with him or offer new thoughts. He is the sports talk radio equivalent of the flat earth society. If he doesn't understand you, he makes fun of you and insults you for being a crackpot. After about 5 minutes of Cowherd we find Jim Rome to be tolerable. This kind of badness is almost worth admiring. That is, if experiencing it didn't make you want to rip out your cochlears with a santoku knife.

He is also, apparently, an unrepentant plagiarist. Color us very much unsurprised.

Monday, March 20, 2006

ESPN: brought to you by _______

Very sharp observation on ESPN by the cats at Deadspin:

We were just at the ESPN Zone at Downtown Disney this weekend. Played some games and watched a little March Madness. (Top speed on the pitching machine was an embarrassing 58mph. We demand a recount.)

Anyhoo, being at the worldwide leader's SoCal mecca just served to remind us that by and large ESPN may have become a victim of its own success. We remember watching SportCenter back in the day when every other segment wasn't brought to you by a sponsor, they actually put un-telegenic people on the air and didn't seem to have a penchant for hiring people who's only qualification to pontificate on sports seems to be that that they do it loudly.

Perhaps it's the rise of the internet, but we find ourselves not tuning into the four-letter whore so much these days. That, and they still pay Joe Morgan a salary.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Don't drink the water, baby

From WENN:

Lee Shocked by 'Brokeback' Loss

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon director Ang Lee was devastated Brokeback Mountain lost out on the Best Picture Oscar to Crash, but insists he is still proud of the movie The director was disappointed that his film didn't take home the top honor and is baffled as to why it didn't win. He explains, "I would do exactly the same. I'm so proud of the movie. They (the Academy) didn't vote for it, I don't know (why)...I'm just glad the audience embraced it. It was a surprise (not winning), quite frankly." In addition to Lee's Oscar, the film also won awards for Best Adapted Screenplay and Best Score.


Hmmm... maybe they liked Crash better? Hell, maybe they liked all of the other 4 films better, we'll never know—the Academy doesn't release vote totals. It's neat that we was so confident in his opus, but maybe he was a bit drunk on the KoolAid being poured by the critics in this town. We anoint him Ang Leinart for this. Bring on Hulk 2!

Monday, January 30, 2006

FPO post

Because I haven't had time to give you the aftermath of the BloodRayne line, here's a me-too post. (Play along friends! Anyone can do it!):

ONE (1) earliest film-related memory:
Standing in line with my dad to see Empire Strikes Back.

TWO (2) favorite lines from movies:
"Free your mind"
"Not bad for a human"

THREE (3) jobs you’d do if you could not work in the “biz”:
Professional chef
be a number five starter
CEO of Apple

FOUR (4) jobs you actually have held outside the industry:
Office clerk
Churro vendor
Creative Director
Photoshop Monkey

THREE (3) book authors you like:
Hubbard
King
Stephenson

TWO (2) movies you’d like to remake or properties you’d like to adapt:
Hubbard's "Mission Earth" (If they can green-light Narnia, why not a 10-book sci-fi satire?)
The Dragonlance Chronicles

ONE (1) screenwriter you think is underrated:
Mike Judge

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Bloodrayne is near

The inimitable Dr. Boll has a treat for us this weekend. His latest masterwork, Bloodrayne. Some lucky souls have been allowed to see the finished work. Unfortunately they all seem to be haters. But is that really so hard to understand? Most humans cannot comprehend the UB genius level. We hate that which we cannot understand. That said, these sots will have their eyes stabbed out as penance for their ignorance shortly.

But not us. We are ready for the weekend. We are going to prepare by fasting on nothing but blood until show time. This should get us into the mood. In fact, we're already in line at the Burbank 16. It's not very long yet, but if you wait until Friday to get your tickets you'll be very envious of our position in line.

The master calls us!

Grand Theft Auto: Elmo's Revenge?

Sounds like the cute little red guy is up to no good. What has the world come to? Maybe next Jim Sheridan will bring us Barney's Belfast, in which the purple fella blows up a good part of Ireland in the name of Irish Independence? It's toddler terrorism at its most bizarre.

Oh, and happy new year to everyone!