Monday, December 19, 2005

Tales from the Frozen North

Right in my old back yard, no less!

Some would-be XBox 360 scalpers were robbed at gunpoint after failing in their attempt to double their money by selling 5 XBox 360s to people standing in line to buy them. Nobody likes a scalper, I guess. No word on wether or not the gunmen then played Santa Claus by turning over their ill-gotten gains to some needy gamers. I'm guessing not.

I'd be sympathetic to the plight of these boys, except for the fact that they were scalping! So now their actions have deprived four gamers from having a potentially incendiary home electronics device. But seriously, someone needs to take the rage out of A-Rage.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Thursday, December 01, 2005

I Knew I Had A Lot Of Garbage...

...but I didn't realize that I had this much. I hope I find a good home for all of it.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

And in Other (Non-Uwe or Apprentice) News...

A horse apparently named after a Viven Leigh character and a Dead Kennedy can drink legally for the first time today.

Somehow we don't think that procuring alcohol has been an issue prior to today. But now it's, you know, legal. Joy.

Make room at the trough!

Friday, November 18, 2005

It's coming...

...and none of us are worthy.

Don LaFontaine did the voice over for this trailer! We weep with anticipation for the coming greatness that is Uwe.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Quick thoughts on last night

I'm still trying to recover from my 15x10-3 minutes of nationally televised fame. But here are some quick answers to burning questions you may have. If you've got another kind of burning, see a doctor.

• I do work with the guy that Clay was hitting on.

• Alla really was responsible for the win.

• $45 glasses of cognac on someone else's tab are nice perks. Highly recommended joy.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Clay and Adam are a couple of dorks.


But I certainly had nothing to do with this monstosity.

Or did I?

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Hmmpf.

OK, so posts about Gallo's reproductive juices don't elicit responses. Noted.

Here's something that I may or may not have been involved in. I like how it says they were given access to me, as if I were a commodity. Or maybe they weren't given access...

Guess you'll just have to tune in and watch.

;-)

Friday, November 04, 2005

Only 51 Shopping Days Left!

Are you stumped as to what to get that certain single female on your shopping list? You know, the one who wants to have children, but hasn't found the right guy?

Look no further, dear readers, as the intrepid JAD staffers have been working tirelessly since five minutes ago to bring you the solution to your KwansMasKah conundrum.

Vincent Gallo's sperm.

For only $1,000,000.

We know what you're thinking and right now we're wishing that we were female, so we could take advantage of this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. We mean, did you see Brown Bunny?*

Price includes all costs related to one attempt at an in-vitro fertilization. (A $50,000 value) If the first attempt at in vitro fertilization is unsuccessful, purchaser of sperm must pay all medical costs related to additional attempts. Mr. Gallo will supply sperm for as many attempts as it takes to complete a successful fertilization and successful delivery. Sperm is 100% guaranteed to be donated by Mr. Gallo who is drug, alcohol and disease free.

Yes, dear reader, you could give the gift of a lifetime to your female friend. The star and director of Brown Bunny and Buffalo 66** could sire her child(ren). In fact, for only $500,000 more, he'll do the inseminating naturally. Of course, if she's really attractive, he'll waive that fee.

The only way this could be a better gift is if it was the sperm of Dr. Uwe Boll, but we cannot have everything in life, can we?





* we didn't

** missed that one, too

Monday, October 31, 2005

We're Not Worthy

The emollient Dr. Uwe Boll has announced that his upcoming opus, Dungeon Siege, will be split into 2 movies. We're not sure that mere mortals a worthy of such a bounty of Uwe-goodness. This event may be on a level with the Berlin wall coming down. Or the birth of Christ.

The genius that is Boll is so sublime, so perfect that lesser humans cannot begin to divine it. We can only witness the results, his magnificent celluloid gemstones that shine so brightly. He is creating an oeuvre unparalleled in this universe. (And we imagine any others.) With bold ideas such as the non-importance of both character and production design, he is picking up where the avant-garde left off 30 years ago. We weep at the bounty he has presented unto us.

Needless to say, we're going to go start the line for tickets tomorrow.

We also think that this makes it official: Time travel has been invented. How else can you explain two-bit hack directors like Tarantino and Coppola doing the same thing before the Maestro Boll conceived this? That's right, you can't.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Sulu Comes Out

This is news? We're pretty sure that more people thought Ellen was straight than thought the Commander was.

Geeky fan boys everywhere are colored unsurprised.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Get that man a scalpel!

The new King Kong is going to be 3 hours long.

Personally, we have no problem with 3 hour movies. As long as they move along at a decent clip. I imagine that spectacle such as Kong is a good candidate for working well as a 3 hour picture.

Some 3 hour movies that move well:
The Lord of the Rings films
The Godfather
Titanic
Casino

Some 3 hours movies that don't:
Dances with Wolves
Boogie Nights
Punch Drunk Love*
Actually, anything by P.T. Anderson
Lost in Translation*




* We know these movies weren't technically 3 hours long. They feel longer. Watching them will take years off your life.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

A Different Kind of Color Commentary

If, like us here at JAD you find yourself frequently despising the inanities spewed from las bocas of the talking heads who cover events of a sporting nature, we have a site for you. Joy.

Friday, October 21, 2005

49 Cinammon Buns!



OK, I'm a horrible, bitter and spiteful GFB. I admit it.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Somedays

Somedays you get 0.2 metric tons worth of work dumped on you. With a tight deadline, because the client took a week and a half to get back to you. On these days you curse the client, your AE and everyone's respective parents. You start to get a little stressed.

Then you realize that about half your working time will involve going through photography of Jessica Alba and suddenly you don't mind.

So much.

Friday, July 29, 2005

You don't want his agent

Him being Owen Wilson. In the movie business there are generally things called likeness clauses. A likeness clause dictates how big your mug has to be in relation to anyone else's mug (and sometimes who is even allowed) in promotional materials, like posters. Generally when you're the star you get the provision that no one's likeness may appear bigger than your likeness in the poster. In the case of 2 stars, they generally have to be equal.

Which brings me to why you don't want Owen Wilson's agent:



It's not even close. Sure, Double-V's head is lower than OW's, but apparently Vincenzo is a giant. (Or Owen was passed over for the role of Mini-Me only because his nose is crooked.)

If it's still not clear, here's a Photoshopped version of the poster to illustrate how much bigger V2 is in this particular poster. Keep in mind that all I did was rotate the bits of his body. I scaled nothing. I didn't fix the bit of perspective on him (he's leaning back from the camera).



Maybe OW and VV are really good friends and OW doesn't care about his likeness clause. Maybe he'll tell you that he really likes this poster. Riiiiiiiiiiight. This is a town where we get out the ruler on 40 year-old movies to make sure that the billings are the correct percentage of title. Someone fell asleep at the switch. Multiple someones, in all likelihood, since the overall design of this poster is very underwhelming. I understand using the ubiquitous "Comedy White" solution, but couldn't someone come up with a visual concept than this?

Monday, July 25, 2005

$12.4 Million? Wow.

I didn't think that teaming Obi-Wan Kenobi with a talking horse was a good idea, but even I didn't expect this. This first trailer, the one with Mr. Pink delivering the only bit of dialogue, was actually good. But the subsequent offerings made it look worse and worse. The brown artwork probably didn't help. Apparently the more the horse talked, the less people wanted to see it.

I know for a fact that Mr. Large Body of Water Partially Surrounded by Land is very involved in the marketing of his movies, so he's got to share some of the blame. Maybe most of it. After all, he's the one that cast the horse.

Friday, July 22, 2005

Greatest. Web. Site. Ever.

www.uweboll.com

It's pronounced TARE-el

"At the end of the day, I don't have to worry about what people think of me, whether they hate me or not. People hated on Jesus. They threw stones at him and tried to kill him, so how can I complain or worry about what people think?"
–– Eagles wide receiver Terrell Owens, on how people might react to his potential camp holdout.

I'm so glad that the hated Eagles have to deal with this guy, after he trashed by beloved Niners before leaving town. But I have to admit a grudging respect for them over the hard line stance they're taking with this idiot. I wonder if it has occurred to him that if he holds out that he won't get paid anything and that that might not be good for his family, which is the other quote attributed to him.

And all this posturing after a year which could only be considered his fourth-best as a pro. And after he had gotten his dream gig in Philly. And after signing a good contract with them.

This is all as laughable as the time Latrell Spreewell was asking for $9MM (or whatever it was) a year to play basketball, claiming he needed to feed his family. What most people don't know is that he's got 10 wives, 216 kids and 46 in-laws that live at his compound and have to be fed quail, asian pears, veal and lobster daily. On doctor's orders, of course.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Blogspam

Don't do it. However tempting it is to use other blogger's comments areas to promote your ultra-crappy, badly written excuse for using up server space. Make an interesting comment and you'll be rewarded with page views and maybe frequent readership. But blog spam isn't welcome and doesn't work. So don't do it.

Just.

Don't.

Thank you.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

AFI's 100 Best Movie Quotes

I'll post what I thought was overlooked and what shouldn't have been included later. Meantime, here's the list as it is:
  1. “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn,” “Gone With the Wind,” 1939.
  2. “I’m going to make him an offer he can’t refuse,” “The Godfather,” 1972.
  3. “You don’t understand! I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I could’ve been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am,” “On the Waterfront,” 1954.
  4. “Toto, I’ve got a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore,” “The Wizard of Oz,” 1939.
  5. “Here’s looking at you, kid,” “Casablanca,” 1942.
  6. “Go ahead, make my day,” “Sudden Impact,” 1983.
  7. “All right, Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my close-up,” “Sunset Blvd.,” 1950.
  8. “May the Force be with you,” “Star Wars,” 1977.
  9. “Fasten your seatbelts. It’s going to be a bumpy night,” “All About Eve,” 1950.
  10. “You talking to me?” “Taxi Driver,” 1976.
  11. “What we’ve got here is failure to communicate,” “Cool Hand Luke,” 1967.
  12. “I love the smell of napalm in the morning,” “Apocalypse Now,” 1979.
  13. “Love means never having to say you’re sorry,” “Love Story,” 1970.
  14. “The stuff that dreams are made of,” “The Maltese Falcon,” 1941.
  15. “E.T. phone home,” “E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial,” 1982.
  16. “They call me Mister Tibbs!”, “In the Heat of the Night,” 1967.
  17. “Rosebud,” “Citizen Kane,” 1941.
  18. “Made it, Ma! Top of the world!”, “White Heat,” 1949.
  19. “I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!”, “Network,” 1976.
  20. “Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship,” “Casablanca,” 1942.
  21. “A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti,” “The Silence of the Lambs,” 1991.
  22. “Bond. James Bond,” “Dr. No,” 1962.
  23. “There’s no place like home,” “The Wizard of Oz,” 1939.
  24. “I am big! It’s the pictures that got small,” “Sunset Blvd.,” 1950.
  25. “Show me the money!”, “Jerry Maguire,” 1996.
  26. “Why don’t you come up sometime and see me?”, “She Done Him Wrong,” 1933.
  27. “I’m walking here! I’m walking here!”, “Midnight Cowboy,” 1969.
  28. “Play it, Sam. Play ’As Time Goes By,”’ “Casablanca,” 1942.
  29. “You can’t handle the truth!”, “A Few Good Men,” 1992.
  30. “I want to be alone,” “Grand Hotel,” 1932.
  31. “After all, tomorrow is another day!”, “Gone With the Wind,” 1939.
  32. “Round up the usual suspects,” “Casablanca,” 1942.
  33. “I’ll have what she’s having,” “When Harry Met Sally...,” 1989.
  34. “You know how to whistle, don’t you, Steve? You just put your lips together and blow,” “To Have and Have Not,” 1944.
  35. “You’re gonna need a bigger boat,” “Jaws,” 1975.
  36. “Badges? We ain’t got no badges! We don’t need no badges! I don’t have to show you any stinking badges!”, “The Treasure of the Sierra Madre,” 1948.
  37. “I’ll be back,” “The Terminator,” 1984.
  38. “Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth,” “The Pride of the Yankees,” 1942.
  39. “If you build it, he will come,” “Field of Dreams,” 1989.
  40. “Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get,” “Forrest Gump,” 1994.
  41. “We rob banks,” “Bonnie and Clyde,” 1967.
  42. “Plastics,” “The Graduate,” 1967.
  43. “We’ll always have Paris,” “Casablanca,” 1942.
  44. “I see dead people,” “The Sixth Sense,” 1999.
  45. “Stella! Hey, Stella!”, “A Streetcar Named Desire,” 1951.
  46. “Oh, Jerry, don’t let’s ask for the moon. We have the stars,” “Now, Voyager,” 1942.
  47. “Shane. Shane. Come back!”, “Shane,” 1953.
  48. “Well, nobody’s perfect,” “Some Like It Hot,” 1959.
  49. “It’s alive! It’s alive!”, “Frankenstein,” 1931.
  50. “Houston, we have a problem,” “Apollo 13,” 1995.
  51. “You’ve got to ask yourself one question: ’Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya, punk?”, “Dirty Harry,” 1971.
  52. “You had me at ‘hello,”’ “Jerry Maguire,” 1996.
  53. “One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don’t know,” “Animal Crackers,” 1930.
  54. “There’s no crying in baseball!”, “A League of Their Own,” 1992.
  55. “La-dee-da, la-dee-da,” “Annie Hall,” 1977.
  56. “A boy’s best friend is his mother,” “Psycho,” 1960.
  57. “Greed, for lack of a better word, is good,” “Wall Street,” 1987.
  58. “Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer,” “The Godfather Part II,” 1974.
  59. “As God is my witness, I’ll never be hungry again,” “Gone With the Wind,” 1939.
  60. “Well, here’s another nice mess you’ve gotten me into!”, “Sons of the Desert,” 1933.
  61. “Say ‘hello’ to my little friend!”, “Scarface,” 1983.
  62. “What a dump,” “Beyond the Forest,” 1949.
  63. “Mrs. Robinson, you’re trying to seduce me. Aren’t you?”, “The Graduate,” 1967.
  64. “Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here! This is the War Room!”, “Dr. Strangelove,” 1964.
  65. “Elementary, my dear Watson,” “The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes,” 1929.
  66. “Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape,” “Planet of the Apes,” 1968.
  67. “Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine,” “Casablanca,” 1942.
  68. “Here’s Johnny!”, “The Shining,” 1980.
  69. “They’re here!”, “Poltergeist,” 1982.
  70. “Is it safe?”, “Marathon Man,” 1976.
  71. “Wait a minute, wait a minute. You ain’t heard nothin’ yet!”, “The Jazz Singer,” 1927.
  72. “No wire hangers, ever!”, “Mommie Dearest,” 1981.
  73. “Mother of mercy, is this the end of Rico?”, “Little Caesar,” 1930.
  74. “Forget it, Jake, it’s Chinatown,” “Chinatown,” 1974.
  75. “I have always depended on the kindness of strangers,” “A Streetcar Named Desire,” 1951.
  76. “Hasta la vista, baby,” “Terminator 2: Judgment Day,” 1991.
  77. “Soylent Green is people!”, “Soylent Green,” 1973.
  78. “Open the pod bay doors, HAL,” “2001: A Space Odyssey,” 1968.
  79. Striker: “Surely you can’t be serious.” Rumack: “I am serious ... and don’t call me Shirley,” “Airplane!”, 1980.
  80. “Yo, Adrian!”, “Rocky,” 1976.
  81. “Hello, gorgeous,” “Funny Girl,” 1968.
  82. “Toga! Toga!”, “National Lampoon’s Animal House,” 1978.
  83. “Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make,” “Dracula,” 1931.
  84. “Oh, no, it wasn’t the airplanes. It was Beauty killed the Beast,” “King Kong,” 1933.
  85. “My precious,” “The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers,” 2002.
  86. “Attica! Attica!”, “Dog Day Afternoon,” 1975.
  87. “Sawyer, you’re going out a youngster, but you’ve got to come back a star!”, “42nd Street,” 1933.
  88. “Listen to me, mister. You’re my knight in shining armor. Don’t you forget it. You’re going to get back on that horse, and I’m going to be right behind you, holding on tight, and away we’re gonna go, go, go!”, “On Golden Pond,” 1981.
  89. “Tell ’em to go out there with all they got and win just one for the Gipper,” “Knute Rockne, All American,” 1940.
  90. “A martini. Shaken, not stirred,” “Goldfinger,” 1964
  91. “Who’s on first,” “The Naughty Nineties,” 1945.
  92. “Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac ... It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole!”, “Caddyshack,” 1980.
  93. “Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death!”, “Auntie Mame,” 1958.
  94. “I feel the need — the need for speed!”, “Top Gun,” 1986.
  95. “Carpe diem. Seize the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary,” “Dead Poets Society,” 1989.
  96. “Snap out of it!”, “Moonstruck,” 1987.
  97. “My mother thanks you. My father thanks you. My sister thanks you. And I thank you,” “Yankee Doodle Dandy,” 1942.
  98. “Nobody puts Baby in a corner,” “Dirty Dancing,” 1987.
  99. “I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!”, “The Wizard of Oz,” 1939.
  100. “I’m king of the world!”, “Titanic,” 1997.

Somewhere, a certain Spaniard is very pissed off.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Boll Me Over...

JAD's favorite movie director, the inscrutable Uwe Boll, is allegedly being considered for directing duties on a movie adaptation of the PC game Postal. This kind of genre-jumping (House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark & the upcoming masterpiece that is Blood Rayne) is virtually unprecedented, but we feel that the intrepid autuer will be up to the task. Dare we say, "Oscar?"

Yes, we dare.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Thanks, Michael

Thank you for telling us that you are not going to have children* in your bed anymore. We'll just gloss over the glaring contradiction here.

But well done to you! And congratulations on the not guilty verdicts! Too bad you couldn't get the judge to allow a verdict of innocent...





* And by children we specifically mean young boys. But hey! It's a natural and loving thing, right?!?!

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

How to write like a gossip columnist

Anyone can do it!

Just keep in mind to never use your source's name, and always play up a celebrity's reaction to something using the following words:

Blast
Slam
Fuming

Here's an example:

"Latigo Flint blasted reports that his guns do not actually fire live ammunition."


Use them in combination!:

"Gil slammed fellow carnie Sal's insinuation that he got a bit too personal with a badger. "It was cold and he wasn't even there!" the one-eyed Whack 'em Cats operator fumed."


That's right, kiddies. Anyone can write a gossip column. And with the internet, anyone can publish it, too!

p.s. Don't forget to put a salacious slant on everything. And blow things out of proportion, too. In fact, you may want to change your middle name to that.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

This just in

ABC has just announced that they are dropping the NBA Finals in favor of repeats of "Lost" and "Desperate Housewives".

Friday, May 20, 2005

My Review

(I actually started writing this the day after I saw it. It's taken a while to get around to finishing it.)

I'm glad I didn't do the midnight show.

First, a little background on my involvement with George Lucas's creation, known as Star Wars. I was not even two when the first Star Wars was unleashed upon the world. Back then, it was just Star Wars—the sub-title "A New Hope" was added later (which is ironic, considering the much more objectionable changes later made to the original films by Lucas.) But I have always known Star Wars. It is the first film I remember seeing. My brother and I had a good percentage of the original toys, we actually still do. I've dressed up as Star Wars characters for Halloween and I've watched every Star Wars spinoff, even the Ewoks movies. I have owned the original trilogy in 3 different incarnations on video. I have a print of Darth Vader hanging in my house and until the last few years I've continued to collect Star Wars merchandise. In short, I've been a fan.

On with the review.

This film, the last we will ever have, may be one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen in a theatre. The action sequences, especially the opening space battle, are mind-bogglingly wonderous to behold. The line between CGI and models has been erased in this film.

But it's an awful film. Especially for a Star Wars film. Sure, it may be better than the last two, but what does that say? A ringing endorsement that is not. This final chapter, the one that should have been a slam-dunk, completes the removal of the franchise's soul at the hands of its own creator.

The plot is rushed, because an awful lot has to happen to get to the end game. The dialogue is... I cannot think of an example to convey just how bloody awful this really is. The characters are akin to the life-size cutouts you used to see in theatre lobbies and can still find in tourist traps on Hollywood Boulevard.

In ROTS, Lucas continues to remove everything that was special about the Force. This and the total emasculation of the Jedis are what makes this new Trilogy a pale imitation at best of everything that worked about the first one. Although this is really all just a logical extension of where Lucas started going with Return of the Jedi. Ewoks, a feel-good quickie ending and a second Death Star are all indications of the beginnings of 20 years of mailing it in when it comes to Lucas and his Star Wars films.

The only moments that are at all enjoyable in this film are ones involving Yoda, Chewie and ... well, I guess that's about it. Moments that rely on nearly 30 years of living with these characters--nothing in this movie or the two that have proceeded it have been able to manufacture any emotional involvement in these characters. And as enjoyable as some of the Yoda bits are, Lucas kills those near the end by giving him some of the worst lines imaginable and one disastrous exchange that fully kills the Force.

Obi-Wan is reduced to a one-lining action hero in this film. There is very little here to indicate 20 year transition to the wise knight we came to know in 1977.

Anakin. There's no point in talking about the exchanges with Padme. His transition to the dark side is handled with boxing gloves. It's not believable, it's not compelling, it just sucks.

There's also a problem with the time line. If 20 years later we're supposed to get A New Hope, it doesn't work. This particular film should have happened 10 years later. Anakin going from confused/angry teen to the embodiment of evil and terror in the galaxy would work better. He's too young. The jump from this Obi-Wan to the next would also work better.

The final minutes of ROTS tries to shoehorn everything together to tie this misbegotten trilogy to what came before and it's just awful. Padme's death becomes just a plot device. The naming of the twins is so bad and unworthy of the Star Wars heritage. Yoda's exchange with Obi-Wan about how Qui-Gonn has learned to speak with the living from the other side is a bigger affront to fans than the infamous "midichlorians".

Then there's the plot points. I mean, holes. Not just between this tril and the former (or is that next?), but the weak plotting in this trilogy doesn't hold up, either:

What was the prophecy? Not that we needed this in the first place.

Why were the Sith out for revenge? For what, exactly?

Why doesn't Chewie know about Yoda in the original tril?

What happens in these next 20 years to R2-D2's jets and other enhancements?

Why can't Obi remember the droids in Episode IV? Surely 20 years isn't too long, considering the amount of time he was around them?

Why are the Jedi so stupid? They come across as neither wise or intelligent.

What's with all the flipping?

The list goes on...



I wanted to enjoy this one. I really did. But crap is crap. And the Force is no longer with us.

Friday, May 13, 2005

Whoa.

 "Will be remembered as one of the greatest movies ever made. 'Classic' isn't kind enough a word for this gem. The best film to be unleashed onto the public in 25 years!"
-- Alex Sandell, JUICY CEREBELLUM

Calm down, big boy. Calm down.

Monday, May 02, 2005

Take that, tubby!

$21.7MM opening. I like to think that Douglas would be proud.

If you haven't seen it yet and you liked the books, I do recommend it. There's a definite plot, and a lot of things are different, but the essence is there. It's also such a joy to see practical creature effects again. The CGI is great, especially when they get to Magrathea, but the aliens are wonderful creations of Jim Henson's shop. When you see the Vogons, you'll wonder why GL had to go all-CGI with his creatures.

4 stars out of 5

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

TMQ Lives!

Ok, that headline could be cooler. Just imagine that it's 40 years ago. And that you're in a NYC subway. And instead of reading a blog, you're reading some graffiti. And instead of "TMQ", it says "Frodo".

...

Alright, it was a stretch. Sue me. I've got Barry White as my legal counsel. This is exciting news. I'm so excited I need to go beat on Kid Mayo with my Titanium Pimpstick™.

Some thoughts

After watching some (OK, a lot) of the opening weekend of the NBA's second season, some things occurred to me.

• Is George Clooney trying to compete with his buddy Brad by doing Budweiser VOs? WTF?

• The new Bulls are fun to watch, but watch out for Ben Gordon if they start losing again.

• Do the movie/playoff tie-in promos that TNT does really work? I'm not sure that this is the right venue for Kingdom of Heaven.

• The adidas commercials are works of art, but somebody please tell me what they have to do with the shoes. The shoes are intelligent? Does that mean they understand the ads?

• Enough with the pouty looks after you score and get fouled. If you're trying to look intense, it's not working. You look like you just chomped on a lemon. Score, pump your fist and be done with it. Stop trying to look like you've just had every member of your family insulted and your hometown invaded by locusts. It's just basketball.

• Ahmad Rashad owns the NBA behind-the-scenes/personal interest story.

• The XXX 2: Electric Boogaloo tie-ins are not going to help, but it still may open bigger than H2G2. [sigh]

• The Heat: Shaq 2.0. Kobe who?



There are new Halo 2 maps out there. Go and get them.



Also, I will be in NYC Saturday the 7th, so mark your calendars, mmm-K?

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Now if they were offering Corellian ale, I might just show

Apparently my home town Fan Force is lining up for the midnight showing of Star Wars Episode III: ROTS. The odd thing about midnight showings or any late night movie viewing in Anchorage is that it's still light when you exit the theater. This can take some getting used to. (This only applies during the summer months, BTW.)

The really sad thing about this is that the line is almost guaranteed to be better than the movie. This one's still going to suck, boys and girls. Great effects and awesome Jedi action will be melded together with mind-numbingly dull (and pointless) politics, bad writing and possibly worse acting by most involved. I saw the last one in the theater and the highlight was hands down the 5 minute lightsaber battle before the movie started, put on by a couple of fans in costume with plastic sabers in hand. They had some great moves and generated more applause than anything in the 2 hours of pain than followed.

Of course, I will be seeing this conclusion in the theatre. How can I not? This doesn inspire some level of self-loathing, though. I will be spending the whole time trying to think about that Lucas has said that he wants to re-release all the movies in the future. In. 3. D. Lucas! God damn you!!

Why can't his spleen take a hint from H2G2 and save our memories of this franchise before he destroys them all for reasons that I cannot even begin to comprehend. Don't say it's money, because that ain't so. He could be doing a better job with his SW legacy and make just as much or more than he is now. I think he hates us.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Enough already

Adobe (makers of PDF and Photoshop) have announced that they are going to devour the company known as Macromedia (makers of Flash and other junk). Joy.

I don't throw my lot in with the whole "corporations are evil" crowd, but this is not a good thing. It's not like the EA/NFL deal (which was initiated by the NFL for reasons known only to Lucifer); it may be worse.

Macromedia was Adobe's only competition in at least a couple spaces, such as image editing and web interface builders. This means effectively no competition for the new GoLive/Dreamweaver product, and likely, no innovation. The only good that could possibly come of this is if the Flash interface gets fixed, because right now it blows yaks. I'm not holding my breath. Hopefully the regulators will disallow this one.

Later in the day, videogame retailer Gamestop announced it's pending assimilation of videogame retailer Electronics Boutique. It's the hip thing to do, apparently.

Tomorrow I expect to read that Latigo Flint will be acquired by Blog Ho or LBB. Just Another Day will announce tomorrow the acquisition of Carnies Ain't Creepy. Rumors are that the site will be shut down, the existing content repurposed as a web comic and lots of t-shirts with obscure references for sale. There were also rumors of what might be done with Gil, but they're not fit to be repeated here.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

In case you were wondering...

...no, we are not dead.

...yes, we are very happy that the Lakers are officially out of the playoffs. But this does not end our "Down with KBB" mindset!

...yes, there will be Titanium Pimpsticks™ for sale here soon in this spot. Shill, shill, shill!

...no, and you don't want to, either.

...yes, he was a groovy kind of guy. Not perfect, but hey: who is?

...42. Don't you read?

...yes, she is a skank. Dating, shtupping and marrying a scumbag is skanky. It doesn't matter that she's currently married to the guy. This pregnancy just underlines the skankiness.

...Gil is dead.

...no he's not.

...that's right, we're coming to NYC in May for a bit. Or at least NYC-adjacent.

...yes, he is dead. If not, why isn't he posting?

...the new Beck is good. Buy it. No, not the beer. But it's OK to buy beer, too.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Shirt Update

We have sold two Suspicious Yak tees! This is great news, but apparently it's not enough to nurse Gil back to posting health.

So. Buy. More. Shirts.

(Or Western Union the carny some money. I think he's in Manitoba.)

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

I Love This Game!™

It is a well known fact that we here at JAD despise with a level of intensity normally reserved for cockroaches and Carrot Top one Kobe Bean Bryant. We have posted about this several times.

In a glorious development, the rest of the known universe is coming on board with this view. Chad Ford, "insider" for the Galactic Sports Station ESPN, has authored a column entitled, "Kobe's Act Wearing Thin In L.A.?" in which he writes:
As a player, Kobe Bryant ranks as one of the 10 best players in the NBA.

But given the Los Angeles Lakers' current problems, and the obstacles they face in fixing the team this summer, should owner Jerry Buss entertain a Kobe trade?

This is fun. This is better than the 8-game losing streak that just ended (only the second 8-game slide since the 60s for the Lake Show). The answer is of course, yes.

The debate (if you thought there was one) about which player KBB or the MDE made more of an impact in LA, is over. The bigger impact, the greater team asset is now in South Beach rocking his way to the best record in the East. Shaq's player efficiency rating is 3rd best in the league. KBB's is 4th best. On the Lakers. Unbelievable.

OK. We can at least see Dr. Buss's point of view. He went with the guy with more on paper upside. Shaq was going to ask for enough money to buy Somalia and move it to a new location off the coast of Louisiana. And he was going to want a lot of years, probably more than he has left. We can see that. But what Buss apparently couldn't see is that the box score is not indicative of anything beyond what happened in that particular game. KBB's inability to have interpersonal relationships and his above-and-beyond approach to selfishness are not signs of someone you want to mortgage the most popular brand in sport on.

So now the question is, can Buss trade Bryant? Is it too late? We say do it as soon as possible, before his stock drops. Another two seasons like this and he'll be the new Chris Webber, but with rings that came courtesy of one Big Diesel.

The other problem is that people don't want to play with him. He was tolerated when it was Shaq's team, but now you get open sniping like this:
When asked by reporters what moves he would make in the offseason to improve the Lakers, Chucky Atkins was quick to jump on a recurring theme about Kobe's perceived role on the team.

"I ain't the GM of this team," Atkins told reporters before the Lakers' eighth straight loss on Sunday. "Kobe's the GM of this team. Ask Kobe. You've been watching this [stuff] all year. You've been watching it and I've been playing in it."

and this:
Asked if he was surprised with the Lakers' struggles, Allen Iverson said, "There ain't no No. 34 around here no more," he said, referring to O'Neal. "There's no surprise."

He's right. This isn't a surprise. Only those with their heads in the sand (or up KBB's butt) thought that this team had a hope of making the playoffs. But they're in that no-man's land of having an almost respectable record which ensures a lottery pick out of the top 10.

It's a long way from the Finals to the lottery. This year the road takes you to Staples Center.

An Open Letter From Blogger

Funny that they didn't send one to me...

Monday, March 21, 2005

You look like you are suffering from a towel deficiency.

This will help you with that—as soon as their ordering system is up and running. Until it is, they may give you some lemon-soaked paper napkins. Joy.

Friday, March 18, 2005

Blackout

The jury did not believe that Lil' Kim's sunglasses kept her from noticing that it was her friends who were shooting people outside the Hot 97 radio station. Apparently she misplaced the manual for her Joo Janta 200 Peril-Sensitive Sunglasses™. The jury, having not personally experienced the usefulness of having sunglasses that turn progressively black in the presence of danger, thought she was just a liar. Zaphod could have told them that a person wearing such sunglasses would definitely not seen anyone shooting anyone else under any circumstances.

The interesting thing about the above article is not that Lil' Kim is the first female rap star to go to prison, but that this radio station is the place where rap entourages go to have shootouts.
"Hot 97 is the same station where the posses of 50 Cent and The Game traded bullets last month."
Hot 97 is the new OK Corral!

We may have just found a career for Latigo that would make good use of his skills. He just needs to hook up with a rap posse. Are there any C&W rappers out there who need the fastest gun in the modern world?

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Falling Away With You

Sadly, the 150 foot icescraper has fallen. There were rumors that it suffered the breakdown after learning its phone number was released to the world when Paris Hilton's sidekick was hacked, but we're pretty sure that's nonsense.

Monday, March 14, 2005

The Small Print

Every once in a while the machinations of clients can actually get to us here at JAD. We like to think that normally we know the score and can accept the insanity and inanity that is working in the entertainment industry. It is the price we pay, as they say. But there are those times when it gets to be a bit much and we wish for great bodily harm to be inflicted upon those that contract us to do the dirty work of advertising the product.

Generally these wishes go unfufilled, much like those of Jessica Simpson and Lindsay Lohan, who wish to be taken seriously, or Paris Hilton, who wishes that her vagina was more selective.

But this afternoon we were actually given the opportunity to make these violent dreams a reality and so much more besides. At least, we think that is what happened. You be the judge.

Sometime after lunch, the receptionist buzzed to inform us that we had a visitor and would we like to have them come up? This was most unexpected, as we are generally not allowed visitors of any kind to our cell office and had certainly not been expecting anyone. We said, yes, send the visitor up. For whatever reason it did not occur to us that the stoned reception lady had not told us the name of this surprise guest. But we had just spent the last 5 minutes banging our head against our desk in post-client call ecstasy and could be excused this lapse.

Presently a man dressed in a neat Armani suit with black shirt and matching black tie entered. It was hard to make out what exactly the suit was made out of. At first one would have assumed it would be silk, but it seemed to move somehow. But without moving. Had we not been currently nursing a splitting headache corsets client no. 1, we might have been a little cropped out by this.

The gentleman carried a compact rectangle under one arm. It was black of course, but had no zipper or visible clasp. The edges were round, but the material it was made of was impossible to make out. It reflected nothing but neither did it show any surface details. It was as if it was sucking in all available light and giving nothing back. It crossed our mind that if the next Powerbook looked like this thing then it was time to mortgage the house and buy more Apple stock.

Without a word the well dressed man sat down in the available chair across the desk from us. He reached a perfectly manicured hand into a pocket and produced a card and handed it across the desk. We picked it up.

It was a American Express Black card. The kind you hear about. The one that gets you a free handjob when you book your plane flight. The one that when a starlet uses it to cut lines of coke, the coke moves aside on its own, so as to not blemish the blackness that is the card. The one that you have to make a sacrifice to get, like killing your agent and maiming your best friend. Or at least wounding your friend severely. The agent has to die either way.

This one had our name on it.

The man spoke.

"We understand that you have some business that you would like to see done." The voice was deep and smooth, like Barry White's. It occurred to us that we had that voice our post-company holiday party stories would get much better. We could not take our eyes off the card. We were not entirely sure that we were not drooling.

He continued. "This card can make it happen. We have sent you an e-mail with the phone number of some people who are very, very good at what they do. Call them and give them the number on this card and it will be taken care of." The voice that was Barry White somehow sounded like it was dangerously sharp.

Somehow we remembered how to work the muscles in our face that could effect speech. "How did you know?"

"We've known for some time. We've been kind of backlogged. This town gets very busy around awards season."

We nodded. We still were looking at the card.

"This is what we do. We fill a need. You want something, we can make it happen. We give you the means to make it so. All that and more. This is a value-added proposition."

"More? Like what?"

"Like anything. The Black card has no pre-set spending limit. There is never an approval call. You just use it. Use it all you want." Barry White sounded turned on.

"I see." For some reason, we were still unable to look away from the card. It seemed to have the same finish as Barry's case. "So what's the deal?"

"That is the deal. You use the card. It is yours to keep."

"APR?"

"None."

"Fees?"

"This card has no fees."

"Salad tossing?"

"We appreciate the offer, but we have no need of any kind of remuneration from you. We are not a studio boss."

"So why are you giving me this?"

"Well, quite frankly, we need more liabilities on our balance sheet. Accounting. Some of our outstanding cards have not been used enough, so we're giving you this one gratis. It's actually Bob Guccionne's old account, but he's managed to fuck up his situation beyond our ability or desire to repair it. But we can't close the account for tax purposes, which is why I'm here. So have a good time with it."

And with that, the well-dressed man with Barry White's voice was gone. We put the card down on the desk and looked at it for some time. It was sexy and dangerous. It begged to be stroked.

There was a flashing window on the computer monitor. Incoming mail. We filed the message away for later.

The possibilities for client no. 1 might be close to endless. This could take a while...

Friday, March 11, 2005

Ruled by Secrecy

CONFIDENTIAL
NEW BUSINESS PLAN


Given the advancements in Organic Light Emitting Diode (OLED) technology, it is now possible to create the world's next great invention:

The digital bumper sticker.

See, OLEDs don't use a lot of voltage, can be almost paper-thin and are actually brighter than conventional LEDs using the same amount of power. This next generation bumper sticker (NGBS) will affix to your bumper or rear window as normal, but it will have a wireless connection to your cellular phone (WCTYCP).

Flash memory (like in the iPod Shuffle) will keep each slogan displaying on the NGBS for at least 3 months without requiring a recharge/replacement.

The advantages of this NGBS for the investor are so many as to boggle the mind, but I will outline a few for you:
  1. No more stale slogans. If your candidate lost, you can instantly update your Dennis Kucinich sticker to read "Don't Blame Me, I Voted Kucinich!" We think this will be a great revenue stream. After the last election there were about 56,000,000 users that would have paid to update their NGBS.

  2. Downloadable slogans. We've got downloadable ringtones, a huge business. This will be even bigger. Trust me.

  3. Animated designs. Increase tailgating and rear-endings by distracting drivers behind you. See the addendum about buying controlling interests in auto body shops.


We are looking for some seed capital to get this started. Don't hesitate, as there is a limited amount of stock available to ground floor investors. You want to get in before the VCs. We accept PayPal (WAPP).

Please keep this plan in the strictest of confidence.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Hometown(state) Pride

They say that everything is bigger in Texas. This may be true, but if you want to get really big, you have to go to Alaska, where I grew up. (But don't tell anyone in Texas that. They're still sore about not being the biggest state anymore. I'm not kidding.)

In Alaska, things get REALLY BIG. On account of the almost perpetual light in the summer, the produce at the state fair looks like it's been hit with Wayne Szalinski's expanding machine. We have the largest bears, the biggest fish, a little mountain that is 4 miles high (and a taller ascent than Everest) and now we have a 151-foot tall ice sculpture.



Why? Because it's Alaska. We have to do strange things to keep ourselves entertained during our 29-month winters.

Check out the link for the progress photos. It's pretty amazing. Someone has to climb up to the top of this thing every few days to dig out the nozzles and add 10 feet of pipe to keep the thing growing upward. And remember, it's probably got 2 more months to grow, given the long winter in Fairbanks. The last one, which wasn't this big, apparently didn't melt until mid-June. Take that, Texas.

Shout out to NPR for running the story on this last night. Made my drive home.

Monday, March 07, 2005

Review: Eddie Izzard at The Coronet Theatre

Saturday turned into a date night without even trying. I made dinner for my lovely wife and then we went out to see maybe the finest working stand up commedian today, Eddie Izzard. No, he's not touring right now. He was in LA doing four nights in this tiny 99-seat theatre, working out new material.

He came on about 9 pm, as scheduled (I don't think he realized he was in LA) and proceeded to do mostly new stuff for 90 minutes. He was in bloke mode, no dress or makeup.

Given the size of the crowd, he would occasionally get into conversations with us about the accuracy of some of his historical jokes. He did reference some of his earlier bits, but that's his style if you've listened to or seen more than one of his shows. Some of the new stuff was quite the hysterical. Great bit about houseflies. He wrapped up with "The Deathstar Canteen" from Circle, but a bit altered, which was kind of like the Rolling Stones playing Satisfaction live and extending the solo.

All in all? It was Awesome. Like a hot dog.

Saturday, March 05, 2005

Help out a friend

In light of our friend Gil's enormous medical bills, we here at JAD have created a t-shirt design that highlights the dangers of yaks to help him defray these costs:



We think they're pretty nifty.

All profits, after Cafe Press's enormous cut, will be sent to Gil. Hopefully he can then get the creditors off his back and post more. Or maybe he'll just get drunk again. Whatever. All we care is that he posts more.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

What if...

What if Harvey Weinstein and Michael Moore sat down to dinner and started eating each other? Would we wind up with a two-headed Jabba the Hutt? The Blob? The Return of Marlon Brando? Would we be overrun with a thousand mini-Harchaels like in Army of Darkness?

This is a question that needs an answer! We need to get a crack research staff on this.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Great Blogs that Never Were

Imagine if the internet had been invented 100 years earlier. Or even earlier than that. Of course, that might mean that a lot of other things would have to be invented first, like monitors, keyboards, computers and toilet paper, but let's skip all that.

What kind of blogs have we missed out on? Let's jump into an alternate universe and find out!

[waiting.]

OK, good. You've made it! Let's look at some of these blogs!:

Spreading the Word
M.

This blog reads kind of like the Bible. Very dry. A lot of "Shalt Nots" and so on. I don't think this guy got laid very much.

The Big Fat Roman Orgy
B.

Wow. This was one catty bitch. He spent post after post whining about his boss. Boring!

The Vicious Blog
D. Parker

And I thought the last one was catty. This reads like a Ted Casablanca column, only literate. Stank of gin, too.

Killed Another One
W. H. McCarty

Thrilling recounts of gunplay, fast horses and dirty women. Every other post was about some guy that mouthed off to him and got a gut full of lead for his troubles. I think this guy was on the run a lot. Must have had a wireless connection.

Do Bloggers Dream of Electric Sheep?
P. K. Dick

Trippy. I think this blog is from the future somehow--but written by me? And now I'm reading it via an alternate universe... Gotta lay off the ether.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

For Gil, because he asked

... overheard at various Oscar after-parties:

"I may have to re-think that whole 'I'm not going to do Daredevil 2' thing."
-B.A.

"Why is it so cold in here?"
-H.S.'s ass crack

"Mr. Hoffman, are you sure you want a fourth? The awards aren't even over yet."
-Kodak Theatre bartender

"Right off-stage was a pretty good place to watch. Yeah, we had the heart equipment with us. Those old timers can go at any time."
-On call paramedic

"Have you seen Lumet's daughter around?"
-every hetero male

"Fucking Kevin Costner. Who even remembers Dancing Wolves these days? They should make him give it back after The Postman"
-M.S.

"Nah, it's cool. I'm not bitter. At least I'm not Martin Scorsese. That old bastard must be going around the bend right now."
-P.G.

"It feels beyond good, what do you think?"
-M.F.

"What? Do something? Fuck-off! I'm off duty."
-A.B.'s face

"Could be worse. We could be treated like writers."
-Nominees and winners for Sound, Sound Editing, Visual Effects, Art Direction, Makeup Design, Costume Design and those made-up short film and documentary categories.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Monday Miscellany #3

  • Apparently Sony's Everquest 2 has added a new "feature". If you type "/pizza" the game launches Pizza Hut's web site, so you can order a pie whilst slaying dragons or virtually wooing an elven princess. This beats the former method, which was spending 5 minutes on the phone with a good pizzeria, ordering something that would actually be edible. The online comic Crtl-Alt-Del has taken this "innovation" to its logical conclusion. Joy.

  • Bad Cover Alert™: Some bimbo named Katrina Carlson has forsaken all credibility or originality and covered the classic "Drive" by The Cars. Another case of trying to cash in on someone else's brilliance, this abomination adds absolutely nothing to the original. Ben Orr is spinning in his grave, no doubt. I was driving (no pun intended) Sunday night when we heard this crap being pushed over the airwaves and into the car's stock radio. The resulting hysteria of both of us simultaneously trying to stop the demon incantation, coupled with the Seattle storm we've been having in Southern California almost ended in complete tragedy. We both hope that that jogger is OK. He certainly came down hard after hitting the hood.

  • Bad Cover Alert™ #2: "Dirty Laundry" by Lisa Marie Presley. I like Lisa Marie and I wish her success, but this is not the way to go about it. Some tunes don't need to be covered. Ever. Of course, this might be better than listing to the latest Jennifer Lopez, but I can think of about 9 dental procedures that would fit that bill.

  • Jessica Alba apparently is done sleeping around. I know this is tough to hear, but you'll get over it. I promise.

  • This might be the way to make a movie. Let Oliver Stone royally screw it up, then just don't do what he did. At least you can't do any worse, right?

  • What? Today's Tuesday you say? I was on holiday yesterday, so piss off.
  • Friday, February 11, 2005

    Further Evidence of the Demise of Originality

    I offer this:



    I don't object to the poster design. In fact, I kind of like it, although I would have done some things differently. But this marks the 938th time that "Terror has a new name" or some variation thereof has been used to promote a horror film. It's time to retire the line into the cliché wing of the Copywriter's Hall of Fame. Post haste.

    Further, it doesn't even work in this case. Which name are they talking about? The Jacket? The copy line is near the actor's name, not the title. So does this mean that 'Brody' is the new name of terror? Maybe Knightley is. Her teeth are certainly scary, but I'm not sure they inspire terror in anybody. I think you'd have to be a bit dodgy in the heart to have anything to fear from either of these two.

    Visually, this poster isn't an improvement on the first two, one of which offered up the ugliest picture yet seen of the not-so-attractive Keira Knightley. The first two were quite daring in their technique, which elevated them past the "big head" posters that they are. This new one is OK, but pushes no boundaries and plays it pathetically safe.

    Gratuitous Pop Star Post

    Apparently the new Mr. Spears, in addition to being a total scumbag, is about 5' 6", as seen in top-secret government surveillance photos of the demon ritual. This must be the reason her parental units gave their blessing to this unholy union. The previous Mr. Spears, Jason Alexander, although dim, gullible and apparently unable to tell the difference between a real girl and a fake one (which may speak volumes about BS's taste in men), may have been too large a specimen to be controlled by their alien-demon hybrid technology.

    Thursday, February 10, 2005

    True Hollywood Marketing Stories™ vol. #1

    It's part of the job that you get projects that are fun to work on for one reason or another (big movie, classic, something you really liked, etc.) and then there are projects that aren't so much fun (the studio is basically dumping this title, Pauly Shore movies, etc.). A while back, I was given one of the latter.

    The studio had been going round and round with the primary star of this particular movie. They were trying to get a key art* approved. This was a dog title. It had sat on the shelves for something on the order of 2 years. There's generally one reason for a movie not getting a release: it sucks. There are occasionally other reasons, but the when it doubt, it's this one.

    This movie didn't have the makings of an out and out suckfest. The primary star is a well-known comedic actor, was teamed up with another well-known and liked comedic actor, co-starred an major award-winning actor and was directed by an award-winning director. On paper it looked good. But its tomato meter is below 10%.

    Ouch.

    So the studio has gone countless rounds with the star, trying to get them to approve something. The star doesn't have contractual approval rights, but this star has another hit movie out as well as more projects in the pipeline with the same studio and they want to keep the star happy. They've given the star something on the order of 100 versions. So far, no good.

    They call us up to basically have someone to take a fresh stab at it. We're given the direction that the star wants something more sophisticated. Said star doesn't want it to look "sophomoric".

    I get the idea that the star has never seen the finished movie. It's not Gigli-bad, but one thing it is not is sophisticated, in any way.

    So we get to work on it. There is another issue with this title: there is practically no photography and half of what we have is of such poor quality as to be unusable. Joy.

    So we put together about 8 really cool designs for our first round submission. There's a couple that would have really stood out on the shelf. Good stuff. We submit, wait a litttle, and get feedback from the client. They want to go further in one direction. This continues for a few rounds and all of a sudden we're in the 20's.

    At this point, some (or maybe all, I don't know) of the designs are passed by the star. Apparently the star likes them, but has now decided that they don't want to be on the cover of the box at all.

    So we pick up our jaws off the floor and get to work doing layouts with only the co-star. We do some wild, cool stuff. We're getting graphic with some of the designs, no photos. At the home entertainment end of the spectrum we generally don't get to flex our chops so much, so in some ways this has become a cool project. We finish more designs and submit to the client for approval. Pretty soon we are in the 60's.

    Then the client calls. The studio has decided that because this movie was such a turkey, it would be unfair to the co-star to have the DVD's success on their shoulder's alone, so we are to come up with some more designs without. any. stars.

    So now we have two names and a title that has no value attached to it. All we do have is some concrete direction from the client as to how to proceed, so we manage to get an approved design (after crossing the 80 mark).

    Now we're getting into finishing the art, which means that our retouchers work on it so that it looks as good as possible when it gets printed. This is generally this easiest part of a project.

    But not this time.

    We wind up doing about 20 versions of the "approved" key art, as the client tweaks two elements ad nasuem. We have to shoot (photograph) people from the office daily for about a week until this one is put thankfully to rest.

    So a title that bombed at the theaters goes to around 200 designs for the DVD cover and has not one, but both stars cut out of it. (And no, my 100+ designs were not a record for me.)

    It's stories like these that make me think that the studio assertion that movies don't make profits might be true.

    Naaaaaaaaaa.

    But this story was all true.



    *'Key art' is the term used for a movie's main poster. When it comes to the home entertainment side of things, 'key art' comes to mean the front of the DVD/VHS package. Sometimes this is the same as the movie's theatrical poster, but a lot of times it is a new or a derivative design (generally for marketing purposes.)

    Saturday, February 05, 2005

    A Sadder Day

    My earlier satirical blog about Alone in the Dark isn't half as funny as this supposedly true account of the scripting of said masterpiece. Enjoy.

    By the way, the trailer for Bloodrayne may make you go blind. You've been warned.

    Self-Promotion Saturday!

    I've filled up my first list at Amazon of packages designed by me. Fear not, friends, as I have another list in the works. Just waiting for the studios to send the release data to Amazon on several titles.

    And here is the finally started, long-awaited international list. There's more to come and probably more back titles that I can't think of right now.

    Thursday, February 03, 2005

    Oh. My. God.

    I just discovered that iTunes has Eddie Izzard albums available for purchase. I just give them my password and I get offbeat historical funny goodness delivered. straight. to. my. computer.

    There goes my productivity for, oh, February. Joy.

    iTMS, you are a diabolical mistress. Oh yes. Oh yes.

    Wednesday, February 02, 2005

    More Arrogance

    As you've probably already heard, coach Rudy T. is about to quit the Lakers, halfway through the season. The national sports media says that this move is health-related (although nothing to do with the cancer he battled a few years ago, thankfully). The official line from the team is only that he's thinking about it.

    Right.

    What the screaming heads (Stephen A. Smith) on Sports Center won't go out on a limb and say, although the more connected local radio hosts know, is that it is a cancer-related decision.

    Cancer spelled with a 'K'.

    This is the kind of Kancer that had Zen-Buddist and all-around-laid-back-guy Phil Jackson seek therapy to help him deal with it. This is the kind of Kancer that would score 40 one night and then not take a shot in the first half of the next game because he was criticized for not distributing the ball enough. When this Kancer leads the team in scoring this year, they're a .500 club. When he doesn't, they're 4 games over. And he's been out for a couple of weeks, so that's pretty telling.

    I'm not going to discount the fact that Rudy T.'s health is not a factor, but he had health considerations when he came on board to do the job. I don't think this is a Rick Marjerus kind of turnaround situation. I believe that he thought he could deal with the Arrogant One, the LA press, the LA fans and the live-by-the-three, die-by-the-three team that management had given him. He thought this was a re-building year (although about half of LA didn't get that memo). He was realistic. He's coached before, he's dealt with press and expectations. He's won two rings as a coach.

    This came down to the one reason he came to the job: the star. And now working with the star has turned out to be so horrible that he's willing to put his tail between his legs and slink back out of town. That's also pretty telling.

    So in the off season, they'll need a new coach (one of the assistants is the interim head coach for the remainder). But who would want this job? Honestly? Would you coach this team? I wouldn't. It's gone from being one of the marquee franchises in all of sport to a daily soap opera. You've got the playboy chemist who hangs with Hef and has installed a puppet GM. The defacto GM is a surly star who alienates all who come into contact with him and certainly did something untoward with a girl in a Colorado hotel room 20 months ago.

    And you can watch it from floor seats that will still run you thousands of greenbacks.

    Joy.

    Monday, January 31, 2005

    A Sad Day

    From Yahoo!:
    Tara Reid and Christian Slater's scary movie "Alone in the Dark," [underachieved] with just $2.5 million, finishing well out of the top 10. [...]the movie stars Reid as an anthropologist and Slater as a paranormal investigator[...]

    It is depressing when a deserving art film, such as Alone in the Dark fails to find the audience it deserves. The movie was a labor of love for all involved, with the actors working for scale. Directed by the visionary Uwe "Germany's Scorsese" Boll, the movie tells the heart-wrenching story of gumshoe (Slater) and the woman he loves (Tara "America's Kidman" Reid) as they fight for the future of the world against all odds. The cast is rounded out by Stephen "America's Anthony Hopkins" Dorff.

    The movie has also missed out on the awards season, because unfortunately, it was not released in time for Oscar consideration because everyone involved wanted to get it right, no matter how long it took.

    You've got to admire that.

    For Slater, for whom this was a follow-up to 2004's 2004: A Light Knight's Odyssey, this was supposed to be his "Color of Money" and garner his first Best Actor nomination. He could not be reached for comment.

    Reid, who had last been seen in the smash My Boss' Daughter had likewise been considered a front runner for Best Actress based on the early buzz the movie was getting. She plans to move onto her next project, Showgirls 2: The Cleavage Runs Deep, immediately.

    And FearDotCom's Stephen Dorff, cast against type in this film as the gruff Commander Richards, has decided to retire from acting entirely since, "Americans just don't appreciate good films anymore."

    ¡Feliz cumpleaños mi amigo!

    Hoy es cumpleaños de mi del amigo Latigo Flint. Le $5 deseo la gran diversión, puta de Tijuana y una botella del tequila más fino que una cuenta de dólar diez puede comprar.

    También le daría un saludo de 21 armas (o deba que sea 29?), pero me parecía haber colocado mal mi arsenal entero.

    Monday, January 24, 2005

    Monday Miscellany #2

    1.
    The Razzies, that protector of quality in film, have sold out and gone political, nominating Bush and others for Worst Acting honors for Jabba the Moore's film of last summer.

    2.
    We need to send a Terminator back in time to kill Axl Rose right after he completes laying down vocals for Use Your Illusion albums. This is a good thing on many fronts. It prevents the band from being ruined by Axl. It stops The Spaghetti Incident from ever being contemplated. The 3.5 GnR albums would be elevated even higher because of what might have been. And several years later, Courtney Love-Cobain won't kill Kurt and make it look like a suicide because it would just look like he was being an Axl copycat. Let's get our scientists on this!

    3.
    Was I the only one who was hoping that Terrell Owens would slip and snap his broken leg in two when he was jumping up and down on the bench Sunday? At least the Eagles get to be dismantled by the Pats, bringing a lousy NFL season to a thankful end.

    Thursday, January 20, 2005

    Things are looking up already

    As traumatic as the Vince Neil run-in was earlier, my day has been resuscitated by Ian Andrew Ziering's wife. (Yes, they're still married, apparently the divorce isn't final. They're making it work, unlike those A-List ) I get to play with photos of her in a bikini.

    And get paid to do it.

    Well, you tell me!

    So I'm playing some music via iTunes and I decide to pop into the music store (iTMS) to see if there's anything new and interesting. And there was. But not for the right reasons. For wrong reasons, so very, very. Wrong.

    Vince Neil had the third "ad" at the top of the iTMS home page. I can only hope that these are paid ads, making Apple a little money, because there is no other good reason on this earth for that to be where it was.

    So I just had to click on it, to see what he was up to.

    ...

    Who can I sue to reclaim the 30 seconds of my life that were wasted listening to this drivel. Don't get me wrong, I love the Crüe. I can even make the umlats quickly as I type. "Kick Start My Heart" and "Dr. Feelgood" are in a class by themselves. The problem here is that Crüe-less Vince sounds nothing like Vince+Crüe. Vince+Crüe=Gold, at least for a while. He should have looked to the successful solo careers of other front men, who's solo releases sounded EXACTLY like the stuff they did with the band that made them big enough to get a solo deal with the record company. People like Ozzy Osbourne and Tom Petty. Vince has elected to release a song which sounds a little like Toad the Wet Sprocket meets the Goo Goo Dolls, but slower. Why?

    The song is called "Promise Me" and I cannot figure out exactly what he's trying to do here. I promise him that I won't be supporting his solo career. Mötley Crüe had a sound, and Vince's voice worked well with that. This should not lead one to believe that this meant that Vince knows how to sing, because he doesn't. His limited ability to make sounds that come out of his mouth is not enhance by the inherent whiny quality of said voice. (The Boss, who is very limited as a singer, at least has a quality to his voice that does not incite violence against small animals.)

    He is also apparently trying to re-invent himself by appropriating Eddie Vedder's look circa Ten. This wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't so thoroughly out of shape. I saw him New Year's Eve on The Tonight Shoe with the rest of the Crüe and he was roughly twice the width of Nikki Six. And Nikki's thin, but he's not that thin.

    Monday, January 17, 2005

    Will wonders never cease?

    Apparently Fox TV has realized that they "relied too heavily on Reality TV". This is a revelation up there with "Hey! The sky is blue!" and "Toast is good with butter."

    "Reality" TV is the most gawdawful invention foisted upon us since Muzak. It doesn't even qualify as reality. It's just cheap programming. Producers don't pay scale to the writers—yes, if you think "Reality" TV is unscripted I can hook you up with Jennifer Aniston, real cheap like. Hell, they don't even call the writers writers, all in an effort to protect the lie that this is something out of real life. No royalties are paid to the (non)"talent" people in front of the cameras. DVD royalties? Hah! Don't make this bitter entertainment industry vet laugh. The contracts they offer contestants on American Idol make being a sex slave in the Middle East look like a good gig, or at least one with more dignity.

    Fox has become the "Reality" channel, excepting the success of 24 and the quality of House. So much so that they've had to really scrape the bottom of the (toilet) bowl to come up with some of this crap. Fox's edginess has been replaced by an effort to see just how far they can push the bounds of decency. Attitude has be pre-empted by executives devoid of imagination or, seemingly, intelligence. They can't even be original in their religion of crass—they have to rip off other "Reality" concepts. Their programming lineup is one of the reasons I don't watch network TV anymore, save for sporting events. Watching the paint on my walls is about as exciting as their reality TV and is infinitely more "real".

    Wake me up when Barry Diller comes back to Fox TV and reminds them what the "Fox Attitude" is all about. Until then, I'm busy with my own reality and don't have time for the un-real "Reality".

    Natalie's A Winner, Too!

    Natalie Portman won a Golden Globe this weekend. As my friend Rube Waddell* has pointed out, this could be the start of a new trend; play a stripper, take your clothes off, win an award. Joy. This hopefully will replace the depressing trend of; ugly up, win an award (Hillary Swank, Halle Berry, Nicole Kidman, Charlize Theron). Some may argue with Hillary Swank's inclusion in my parentheses, but that's why I've got comments turned on.

    * Don't bother with Rube's blog, he doesn't post there anymore, which is a shame, because he's got one of the great blog names out there.

    I'm A Winner!

    I won Latigo Flint's coveted Best Comment Ever Award! This is right up there with my Key Art and Alex Awards. Unfortunately, I did it anonymously, to mess with my bro, who was messing with me, so Latigo may not believe that I did it. But I did!

    I used Google's Language Tools to do it.

    Oh yeah, here's the winning comment. It's #4.

    Friday, January 14, 2005

    Nice poster.

    Don't Panic, click the image for a larger version.

    Who says there's no such thing as karma?

    Not me, I assure you.

    Thursday, January 13, 2005

    It's self-promotion Thursday!



    A while back, I created an Amazon list of DVD packages I've designed. As I noted then, it was not complete. One of the titles I was hoping to find is currently only available from the publisher. Carnival of Souls is a classic horror film, one that George Romero credits as an inspiration for Night of the Living Dead. (Hey! I did a package for that one, too! What do a coincidence!) Both movies include commentraks from Mike Nelson of MST3K fame. Go ahead and buy them both.

    I like this package a lot because it is one of the first finishes that incorporates work I did in 3D, which was cool.

    Sister Act

    KCRW's Morning Becomes Eclectic has turned me onto The Chapin Sisters, a 3-girl group of singers and their musical stylings. They're kind of like a cross between Sepultura and Bambi.* I recommend you check them out, especially their cover of Britney's "Toxic". Joy.

    I found out their next show is going to be here in LA, a mere number of blocks from where DarthMoridin toils. Double Joy.

    Are you still here? Click the link, dammit!

    * They sound nothing like this. I just wanted to see if you were awake.

    But who knew that Sepultura would have an official web site? The Brazilians are still in full effect. Yo. Dog.

    Tuesday, January 11, 2005

    A New Game

    cpMaia likes to come up with fun games you can play with your friends. Her latest inspired me to come up with one of my own.

    Everyone who plays has to come up with three (3) songs they wish they had written. I hope those of you who aren't musicians play along as well.

    I'll start:

  • Paranoid Android, Radiohead
    Divine roller-coaster vocals along with some out-of-this-world guitar work.

  • With Or Without You, U2
    Simplicity and restraint elevate what could have been a late-80's power ballad to classic status.

  • Comfortably Numb, Pink Floyd
    2 of the greatest guitar solos of all time.

  • Having your Mac for under $500? Priceless.



    I'm a slut for all things Apple. I admit it.

    Sunday, January 09, 2005

    Sunday sports thoughts

    I think that if next year the Broncos make the playoffs and wind up in a match-up up with the Indianapolis Peyton Mannings, the NFL needs to step in and replace said Broncos with the 7th seed. It would probably make for a much better game.

    In other sports news, it's official--the NY Mets have lost their collective minds.

    Of course, you could also argue that Carlos Beltran has lost his mind for agreeing to go to the Metropolitans and treating the Astros (with whom he was one game from the World Serious) like garbage. I would not disagree with you.

    If you were to say that Scott Boras is the devil, or is at least having NIN's "Closer"-type sexual relations with Beelzebub, I would say you were quite observant.

    Wednesday, January 05, 2005

    No, really, I'm sorry. You still suck.

    WARNING: thar be jargon ahead, matey!

    Quark XPress sucks.

    Actually, it doesn't just suck, it invents new ways to suck. It's actually so good at doing so that you kind of have to admire the dumbass engineers at Quark for being able to delve to new realms of suckage. It's quite spectacular.

    Quark XPress is, unfortunately, the current standard for desktop publishing (DTP) page layout programs. Back in the day, when we could only work in square interfaces and RAM still cost upwards of $20 per megabtye, it was the bomb, yo. It was mean, lean and let you put whole categories of businesses out of work with a single click (typesetters, etc.). But then they started upgrading, casually ignoring advances in the system software it was running on for years at a time.

    And then there's the bugs.

    Bugs so bad that some major releases (*cough* 4.0 *cough*) got categorically ignored until the next point release (x.1, x.2, etc.) in which the bugs were squashed to the point of the program being somewhat useable again. I'm sure that Microsoft took it as a personal attack that a company could release a product buggier than Word or Windows. Either that or they were extremely impressed.

    The current release is awful. The only thing good about it is that it runs in OS X instead of having to run in classic mode, which creates problems that aren't totally its fault. I was in a "get to know XPress"-type meeting with a rep from Quark, and everytime he mentioned a "feature" that the next version would have I had to think to myself "InDesign [Adobe's competitor to XPress] already does that." "That too." "Wow. Adobe thought of that 4 years ago."

    Maybe suck isn't a strong enough word.

    Tuesday, January 04, 2005

    A list by me.

    I created a list on Amazon of DVD packages I designed. It's not complete as there are a few I probably can't remember and some that aren't out yet, but you may find it of some interest.

    This is a domestic release only list. I may at some future point do an international list on their UK site.

    But it's too logical!

    While we here at IJAD strive to avoid such things as politics or serious current events like a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster strives to prevent you from being sober, some things just cannot be helped.

    It occurs to us that it might be a good idea for the news networks and outlets in this country to stop being PR flacks for the "terrorists" out there. How about not running every video tape from OBL? How about not reporting on every possible person out there and their supposed reasons for operating? There's a concept! You will instantly reduce their "power"--much of which is perceived, not real--by at least 95%. Their capabilities are in actual fact so miniscule that they would be nothing without the media to give their message strength.

    Yeah, I know. Too logical.

    Saturday, January 01, 2005

    A Happy MMV To All

    Hope this one is the best so far.

    dM