Tuesday, March 29, 2005

I Love This Game!™

It is a well known fact that we here at JAD despise with a level of intensity normally reserved for cockroaches and Carrot Top one Kobe Bean Bryant. We have posted about this several times.

In a glorious development, the rest of the known universe is coming on board with this view. Chad Ford, "insider" for the Galactic Sports Station ESPN, has authored a column entitled, "Kobe's Act Wearing Thin In L.A.?" in which he writes:
As a player, Kobe Bryant ranks as one of the 10 best players in the NBA.

But given the Los Angeles Lakers' current problems, and the obstacles they face in fixing the team this summer, should owner Jerry Buss entertain a Kobe trade?

This is fun. This is better than the 8-game losing streak that just ended (only the second 8-game slide since the 60s for the Lake Show). The answer is of course, yes.

The debate (if you thought there was one) about which player KBB or the MDE made more of an impact in LA, is over. The bigger impact, the greater team asset is now in South Beach rocking his way to the best record in the East. Shaq's player efficiency rating is 3rd best in the league. KBB's is 4th best. On the Lakers. Unbelievable.

OK. We can at least see Dr. Buss's point of view. He went with the guy with more on paper upside. Shaq was going to ask for enough money to buy Somalia and move it to a new location off the coast of Louisiana. And he was going to want a lot of years, probably more than he has left. We can see that. But what Buss apparently couldn't see is that the box score is not indicative of anything beyond what happened in that particular game. KBB's inability to have interpersonal relationships and his above-and-beyond approach to selfishness are not signs of someone you want to mortgage the most popular brand in sport on.

So now the question is, can Buss trade Bryant? Is it too late? We say do it as soon as possible, before his stock drops. Another two seasons like this and he'll be the new Chris Webber, but with rings that came courtesy of one Big Diesel.

The other problem is that people don't want to play with him. He was tolerated when it was Shaq's team, but now you get open sniping like this:
When asked by reporters what moves he would make in the offseason to improve the Lakers, Chucky Atkins was quick to jump on a recurring theme about Kobe's perceived role on the team.

"I ain't the GM of this team," Atkins told reporters before the Lakers' eighth straight loss on Sunday. "Kobe's the GM of this team. Ask Kobe. You've been watching this [stuff] all year. You've been watching it and I've been playing in it."

and this:
Asked if he was surprised with the Lakers' struggles, Allen Iverson said, "There ain't no No. 34 around here no more," he said, referring to O'Neal. "There's no surprise."

He's right. This isn't a surprise. Only those with their heads in the sand (or up KBB's butt) thought that this team had a hope of making the playoffs. But they're in that no-man's land of having an almost respectable record which ensures a lottery pick out of the top 10.

It's a long way from the Finals to the lottery. This year the road takes you to Staples Center.

An Open Letter From Blogger

Funny that they didn't send one to me...

Monday, March 21, 2005

You look like you are suffering from a towel deficiency.

This will help you with that—as soon as their ordering system is up and running. Until it is, they may give you some lemon-soaked paper napkins. Joy.

Friday, March 18, 2005

Blackout

The jury did not believe that Lil' Kim's sunglasses kept her from noticing that it was her friends who were shooting people outside the Hot 97 radio station. Apparently she misplaced the manual for her Joo Janta 200 Peril-Sensitive Sunglasses™. The jury, having not personally experienced the usefulness of having sunglasses that turn progressively black in the presence of danger, thought she was just a liar. Zaphod could have told them that a person wearing such sunglasses would definitely not seen anyone shooting anyone else under any circumstances.

The interesting thing about the above article is not that Lil' Kim is the first female rap star to go to prison, but that this radio station is the place where rap entourages go to have shootouts.
"Hot 97 is the same station where the posses of 50 Cent and The Game traded bullets last month."
Hot 97 is the new OK Corral!

We may have just found a career for Latigo that would make good use of his skills. He just needs to hook up with a rap posse. Are there any C&W rappers out there who need the fastest gun in the modern world?

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Falling Away With You

Sadly, the 150 foot icescraper has fallen. There were rumors that it suffered the breakdown after learning its phone number was released to the world when Paris Hilton's sidekick was hacked, but we're pretty sure that's nonsense.

Monday, March 14, 2005

The Small Print

Every once in a while the machinations of clients can actually get to us here at JAD. We like to think that normally we know the score and can accept the insanity and inanity that is working in the entertainment industry. It is the price we pay, as they say. But there are those times when it gets to be a bit much and we wish for great bodily harm to be inflicted upon those that contract us to do the dirty work of advertising the product.

Generally these wishes go unfufilled, much like those of Jessica Simpson and Lindsay Lohan, who wish to be taken seriously, or Paris Hilton, who wishes that her vagina was more selective.

But this afternoon we were actually given the opportunity to make these violent dreams a reality and so much more besides. At least, we think that is what happened. You be the judge.

Sometime after lunch, the receptionist buzzed to inform us that we had a visitor and would we like to have them come up? This was most unexpected, as we are generally not allowed visitors of any kind to our cell office and had certainly not been expecting anyone. We said, yes, send the visitor up. For whatever reason it did not occur to us that the stoned reception lady had not told us the name of this surprise guest. But we had just spent the last 5 minutes banging our head against our desk in post-client call ecstasy and could be excused this lapse.

Presently a man dressed in a neat Armani suit with black shirt and matching black tie entered. It was hard to make out what exactly the suit was made out of. At first one would have assumed it would be silk, but it seemed to move somehow. But without moving. Had we not been currently nursing a splitting headache corsets client no. 1, we might have been a little cropped out by this.

The gentleman carried a compact rectangle under one arm. It was black of course, but had no zipper or visible clasp. The edges were round, but the material it was made of was impossible to make out. It reflected nothing but neither did it show any surface details. It was as if it was sucking in all available light and giving nothing back. It crossed our mind that if the next Powerbook looked like this thing then it was time to mortgage the house and buy more Apple stock.

Without a word the well dressed man sat down in the available chair across the desk from us. He reached a perfectly manicured hand into a pocket and produced a card and handed it across the desk. We picked it up.

It was a American Express Black card. The kind you hear about. The one that gets you a free handjob when you book your plane flight. The one that when a starlet uses it to cut lines of coke, the coke moves aside on its own, so as to not blemish the blackness that is the card. The one that you have to make a sacrifice to get, like killing your agent and maiming your best friend. Or at least wounding your friend severely. The agent has to die either way.

This one had our name on it.

The man spoke.

"We understand that you have some business that you would like to see done." The voice was deep and smooth, like Barry White's. It occurred to us that we had that voice our post-company holiday party stories would get much better. We could not take our eyes off the card. We were not entirely sure that we were not drooling.

He continued. "This card can make it happen. We have sent you an e-mail with the phone number of some people who are very, very good at what they do. Call them and give them the number on this card and it will be taken care of." The voice that was Barry White somehow sounded like it was dangerously sharp.

Somehow we remembered how to work the muscles in our face that could effect speech. "How did you know?"

"We've known for some time. We've been kind of backlogged. This town gets very busy around awards season."

We nodded. We still were looking at the card.

"This is what we do. We fill a need. You want something, we can make it happen. We give you the means to make it so. All that and more. This is a value-added proposition."

"More? Like what?"

"Like anything. The Black card has no pre-set spending limit. There is never an approval call. You just use it. Use it all you want." Barry White sounded turned on.

"I see." For some reason, we were still unable to look away from the card. It seemed to have the same finish as Barry's case. "So what's the deal?"

"That is the deal. You use the card. It is yours to keep."

"APR?"

"None."

"Fees?"

"This card has no fees."

"Salad tossing?"

"We appreciate the offer, but we have no need of any kind of remuneration from you. We are not a studio boss."

"So why are you giving me this?"

"Well, quite frankly, we need more liabilities on our balance sheet. Accounting. Some of our outstanding cards have not been used enough, so we're giving you this one gratis. It's actually Bob Guccionne's old account, but he's managed to fuck up his situation beyond our ability or desire to repair it. But we can't close the account for tax purposes, which is why I'm here. So have a good time with it."

And with that, the well-dressed man with Barry White's voice was gone. We put the card down on the desk and looked at it for some time. It was sexy and dangerous. It begged to be stroked.

There was a flashing window on the computer monitor. Incoming mail. We filed the message away for later.

The possibilities for client no. 1 might be close to endless. This could take a while...

Friday, March 11, 2005

Ruled by Secrecy

CONFIDENTIAL
NEW BUSINESS PLAN


Given the advancements in Organic Light Emitting Diode (OLED) technology, it is now possible to create the world's next great invention:

The digital bumper sticker.

See, OLEDs don't use a lot of voltage, can be almost paper-thin and are actually brighter than conventional LEDs using the same amount of power. This next generation bumper sticker (NGBS) will affix to your bumper or rear window as normal, but it will have a wireless connection to your cellular phone (WCTYCP).

Flash memory (like in the iPod Shuffle) will keep each slogan displaying on the NGBS for at least 3 months without requiring a recharge/replacement.

The advantages of this NGBS for the investor are so many as to boggle the mind, but I will outline a few for you:
  1. No more stale slogans. If your candidate lost, you can instantly update your Dennis Kucinich sticker to read "Don't Blame Me, I Voted Kucinich!" We think this will be a great revenue stream. After the last election there were about 56,000,000 users that would have paid to update their NGBS.

  2. Downloadable slogans. We've got downloadable ringtones, a huge business. This will be even bigger. Trust me.

  3. Animated designs. Increase tailgating and rear-endings by distracting drivers behind you. See the addendum about buying controlling interests in auto body shops.


We are looking for some seed capital to get this started. Don't hesitate, as there is a limited amount of stock available to ground floor investors. You want to get in before the VCs. We accept PayPal (WAPP).

Please keep this plan in the strictest of confidence.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Hometown(state) Pride

They say that everything is bigger in Texas. This may be true, but if you want to get really big, you have to go to Alaska, where I grew up. (But don't tell anyone in Texas that. They're still sore about not being the biggest state anymore. I'm not kidding.)

In Alaska, things get REALLY BIG. On account of the almost perpetual light in the summer, the produce at the state fair looks like it's been hit with Wayne Szalinski's expanding machine. We have the largest bears, the biggest fish, a little mountain that is 4 miles high (and a taller ascent than Everest) and now we have a 151-foot tall ice sculpture.



Why? Because it's Alaska. We have to do strange things to keep ourselves entertained during our 29-month winters.

Check out the link for the progress photos. It's pretty amazing. Someone has to climb up to the top of this thing every few days to dig out the nozzles and add 10 feet of pipe to keep the thing growing upward. And remember, it's probably got 2 more months to grow, given the long winter in Fairbanks. The last one, which wasn't this big, apparently didn't melt until mid-June. Take that, Texas.

Shout out to NPR for running the story on this last night. Made my drive home.

Monday, March 07, 2005

Review: Eddie Izzard at The Coronet Theatre

Saturday turned into a date night without even trying. I made dinner for my lovely wife and then we went out to see maybe the finest working stand up commedian today, Eddie Izzard. No, he's not touring right now. He was in LA doing four nights in this tiny 99-seat theatre, working out new material.

He came on about 9 pm, as scheduled (I don't think he realized he was in LA) and proceeded to do mostly new stuff for 90 minutes. He was in bloke mode, no dress or makeup.

Given the size of the crowd, he would occasionally get into conversations with us about the accuracy of some of his historical jokes. He did reference some of his earlier bits, but that's his style if you've listened to or seen more than one of his shows. Some of the new stuff was quite the hysterical. Great bit about houseflies. He wrapped up with "The Deathstar Canteen" from Circle, but a bit altered, which was kind of like the Rolling Stones playing Satisfaction live and extending the solo.

All in all? It was Awesome. Like a hot dog.

Saturday, March 05, 2005

Help out a friend

In light of our friend Gil's enormous medical bills, we here at JAD have created a t-shirt design that highlights the dangers of yaks to help him defray these costs:



We think they're pretty nifty.

All profits, after Cafe Press's enormous cut, will be sent to Gil. Hopefully he can then get the creditors off his back and post more. Or maybe he'll just get drunk again. Whatever. All we care is that he posts more.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

What if...

What if Harvey Weinstein and Michael Moore sat down to dinner and started eating each other? Would we wind up with a two-headed Jabba the Hutt? The Blob? The Return of Marlon Brando? Would we be overrun with a thousand mini-Harchaels like in Army of Darkness?

This is a question that needs an answer! We need to get a crack research staff on this.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Great Blogs that Never Were

Imagine if the internet had been invented 100 years earlier. Or even earlier than that. Of course, that might mean that a lot of other things would have to be invented first, like monitors, keyboards, computers and toilet paper, but let's skip all that.

What kind of blogs have we missed out on? Let's jump into an alternate universe and find out!

[waiting.]

OK, good. You've made it! Let's look at some of these blogs!:

Spreading the Word
M.

This blog reads kind of like the Bible. Very dry. A lot of "Shalt Nots" and so on. I don't think this guy got laid very much.

The Big Fat Roman Orgy
B.

Wow. This was one catty bitch. He spent post after post whining about his boss. Boring!

The Vicious Blog
D. Parker

And I thought the last one was catty. This reads like a Ted Casablanca column, only literate. Stank of gin, too.

Killed Another One
W. H. McCarty

Thrilling recounts of gunplay, fast horses and dirty women. Every other post was about some guy that mouthed off to him and got a gut full of lead for his troubles. I think this guy was on the run a lot. Must have had a wireless connection.

Do Bloggers Dream of Electric Sheep?
P. K. Dick

Trippy. I think this blog is from the future somehow--but written by me? And now I'm reading it via an alternate universe... Gotta lay off the ether.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

For Gil, because he asked

... overheard at various Oscar after-parties:

"I may have to re-think that whole 'I'm not going to do Daredevil 2' thing."
-B.A.

"Why is it so cold in here?"
-H.S.'s ass crack

"Mr. Hoffman, are you sure you want a fourth? The awards aren't even over yet."
-Kodak Theatre bartender

"Right off-stage was a pretty good place to watch. Yeah, we had the heart equipment with us. Those old timers can go at any time."
-On call paramedic

"Have you seen Lumet's daughter around?"
-every hetero male

"Fucking Kevin Costner. Who even remembers Dancing Wolves these days? They should make him give it back after The Postman"
-M.S.

"Nah, it's cool. I'm not bitter. At least I'm not Martin Scorsese. That old bastard must be going around the bend right now."
-P.G.

"It feels beyond good, what do you think?"
-M.F.

"What? Do something? Fuck-off! I'm off duty."
-A.B.'s face

"Could be worse. We could be treated like writers."
-Nominees and winners for Sound, Sound Editing, Visual Effects, Art Direction, Makeup Design, Costume Design and those made-up short film and documentary categories.