ZAPNotes

It is a well known fact that we here at JAD despise with a level of intensity normally reserved for cockroaches and Carrot Top one Kobe Bean Bryant. We have posted about this several times. In a glorious development, the rest of the known universe is coming on board with this view. Chad Ford, "insider" for the Galactic Sports Station ESPN, has authored a column entitled, "Kobe's Act Wearing Thin In L.A.?" in which he writes: As a player, Kobe Bryant ranks as one of the 10 best players in the NBA. But given the Los Angeles Lakers' current problems, and the obstacles they face in fixing the team this summer, should owner Jerry Buss entertain a Kobe trade? This is fun. This is better than the 8-game losing streak that just ended (only the second 8-game slide since the 60s for the Lake Show). The answer is of course, yes. The debate (if you thought there was one) about which player KBB or the MDE made more of an impact in LA, is over. The bigger impact, the...

Funny that they didn't send one to me...

This will help you with that—as soon as their ordering system is up and running. Until it is, they may give you some lemon-soaked paper napkins. Joy.

The jury did not believe that Lil' Kim's sunglasses kept her from noticing that it was her friends who were shooting people outside the Hot 97 radio station. Apparently she misplaced the manual for her Joo Janta 200 Peril-Sensitive Sunglasses™. The jury, having not personally experienced the usefulness of having sunglasses that turn progressively black in the presence of danger, thought she was just a liar. Zaphod could have told them that a person wearing such sunglasses would definitely not seen anyone shooting anyone else under any circumstances. The interesting thing about the above article is not that Lil' Kim is the first female rap star to go to prison, but that this radio station is the place where rap entourages go to have shootouts. "Hot 97 is the same station where the posses of 50 Cent and The Game traded bullets last month." Hot 97 is the new OK Corral! We may have just found a career for Latigo that would make good use of his skills. He just...

Sadly, the 150 foot icescraper has fallen. There were rumors that it suffered the breakdown after learning its phone number was released to the world when Paris Hilton's sidekick was hacked, but we're pretty sure that's nonsense.

Every once in a while the machinations of clients can actually get to us here at JAD. We like to think that normally we know the score and can accept the insanity and inanity that is working in the entertainment industry. It is the price we pay, as they say. But there are those times when it gets to be a bit much and we wish for great bodily harm to be inflicted upon those that contract us to do the dirty work of advertising the product. Generally these wishes go unfufilled, much like those of Jessica Simpson and Lindsay Lohan, who wish to be taken seriously, or Paris Hilton, who wishes that her vagina was more selective. But this afternoon we were actually given the opportunity to make these violent dreams a reality and so much more besides. At least, we think that is what happened. You be the judge. Sometime after lunch, the receptionist buzzed to inform us that we had a visitor and would we like to have them come up? This was most unexpected, as we are generally not allowed visitors...

CONFIDENTIAL NEW BUSINESS PLAN Given the advancements in Organic Light Emitting Diode (OLED) technology, it is now possible to create the world's next great invention: The digital bumper sticker. See, OLEDs don't use a lot of voltage, can be almost paper-thin and are actually brighter than conventional LEDs using the same amount of power. This next generation bumper sticker (NGBS) will affix to your bumper or rear window as normal, but it will have a wireless connection to your cellular phone (WCTYCP). Flash memory (like in the iPod Shuffle) will keep each slogan displaying on the NGBS for at least 3 months without requiring a recharge/replacement. The advantages of this NGBS for the investor are so many as to boggle the mind, but I will outline a few for you: No more stale slogans. If your candidate lost, you can instantly update your Dennis Kucinich sticker to read "Don't Blame Me, I Voted Kucinich!" We think this will be a great revenue stream. After the l...

They say that everything is bigger in Texas. This may be true, but if you want to get really big, you have to go to Alaska, where I grew up. (But don't tell anyone in Texas that. They're still sore about not being the biggest state anymore. I'm not kidding.) In Alaska, things get REALLY BIG. On account of the almost perpetual light in the summer, the produce at the state fair looks like it's been hit with Wayne Szalinski's expanding machine. We have the largest bears, the biggest fish, a little mountain that is 4 miles high (and a taller ascent than Everest) and now we have a 151-foot tall ice sculpture. Why? Because it's Alaska. We have to do strange things to keep ourselves entertained during our 29-month winters. Check out the link for the progress photos. It's pretty amazing. Someone has to climb up to the top of this thing every few days to dig out the nozzles and add 10 feet of pipe to keep the thing growing upward. And remember, it's p...

Saturday turned into a date night without even trying. I made dinner for my lovely wife and then we went out to see maybe the finest working stand up commedian today, Eddie Izzard. No, he's not touring right now. He was in LA doing four nights in this tiny 99-seat theatre, working out new material. He came on about 9 pm, as scheduled (I don't think he realized he was in LA) and proceeded to do mostly new stuff for 90 minutes. He was in bloke mode, no dress or makeup. Given the size of the crowd, he would occasionally get into conversations with us about the accuracy of some of his historical jokes. He did reference some of his earlier bits, but that's his style if you've listened to or seen more than one of his shows. Some of the new stuff was quite the hysterical. Great bit about houseflies. He wrapped up with "The Deathstar Canteen" from Circle, but a bit altered, which was kind of like the Rolling Stones playing Satisfaction live and extending the s...

In light of our friend Gil's enormous medical bills, we here at JAD have created a t-shirt design that highlights the dangers of yaks to help him defray these costs: We think they're pretty nifty. All profits, after Cafe Press's enormous cut, will be sent to Gil. Hopefully he can then get the creditors off his back and post more. Or maybe he'll just get drunk again. Whatever. All we care is that he posts more.

It appears one of our MM items from last week is now incorrect. Which is not the same as being incorrect when we published it. We here at JAD like to think that we are 101% accurate 99% of the time. So there. On with the correction! Jessica Alba is, in fact, very interested in one night stands. This news comes via The Sun, which means that it's practically the word of God*. The queue starts to the left, boys. Please try to be orderly about this. * If God were very, very drunk, and having a bitchy row with some nuns.

What if Harvey Weinstein and Michael Moore sat down to dinner and started eating each other? Would we wind up with a two-headed Jabba the Hutt? The Blob? The Return of Marlon Brando? Would we be overrun with a thousand mini-Harchaels like in Army of Darkness? This is a question that needs an answer! We need to get a crack research staff on this.

Imagine if the internet had been invented 100 years earlier. Or even earlier than that. Of course, that might mean that a lot of other things would have to be invented first, like monitors, keyboards, computers and toilet paper, but let's skip all that. What kind of blogs have we missed out on? Let's jump into an alternate universe and find out! [waiting.] OK, good. You've made it! Let's look at some of these blogs!: Spreading the Word M. This blog reads kind of like the Bible. Very dry. A lot of "Shalt Nots" and so on. I don't think this guy got laid very much. The Big Fat Roman Orgy B. Wow. This was one catty bitch. He spent post after post whining about his boss. Boring! The Vicious Blog D. Parker And I thought the last one was catty. This reads like a Ted Casablanca column, only literate. Stank of gin, too. Killed Another One W. H. McCarty Thrilling recounts of gunplay, fast horses and dirty women. Every other post was about some guy that ...

... overheard at various Oscar after-parties: "I may have to re-think that whole 'I'm not going to do Daredevil 2 ' thing." -B.A. "Why is it so cold in here?" -H.S.'s ass crack "Mr. Hoffman, are you sure you want a fourth? The awards aren't even over yet." -Kodak Theatre bartender "Right off-stage was a pretty good place to watch. Yeah, we had the heart equipment with us. Those old timers can go at any time." -On call paramedic "Have you seen Lumet's daughter around?" -every hetero male "Fucking Kevin Costner. Who even remembers Dancing Wolves these days? They should make him give it back after The Postman " -M.S. "Nah, it's cool. I'm not bitter. At least I'm not Martin Scorsese. That old bastard must be going around the bend right now." -P.G. "It feels beyond good, what do you think?" -M.F. "What? Do something? Fuck-off! I'm off duty." -A.B.'s...